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CONTEST: Win Tix To A VIP Advanced Screening Of Guillermo Del Toro’s The Shape Of Water

Thursday, December 7th, 2017



Easily the strangest film this prestige season is Guillermo del Toro’s eccentric romantic masterpiece The Shape of Water. The film opens in Philadelphia at the Ritz Five Friday, December 14th and is a rather unique love story involving a mute woman named Elisa and a mysterious creature trapped in a top-secret government lab. Heavily influenced by Jean-Pierre Jeunet (Delicatessen, City of Lost Children, Amélie), the film has del Toro returning to his roots to give us a darkly fantastic fairy tale that has Elisa falling in love with the monster who feels like a hybrid of Abe Sapien from Hellboy and Gill-man from the Creature of the Black Lagoon. When Elisa finds out the gleefully sadistic Colonel Richard Strickland (Michael Shannon), plans to perform a vivisection on the creature, she puts into motion a plan to save her love and set him free. The film is del Toro at his most unrestrained and best he’s been in years.

Check out the official synopsis below:

Master storyteller Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth, Crimson Peak, Hellboy) casts an other-worldly spell with The Shape of Water, an imaginative fairy tale set against the backdrop of Cold War era America circa 1962. In the hidden high-security government laboratory where she works as a cleaner, mute Elisa (Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine, Maudie) is trapped in a life of lonely isolation. Elisa’s life is changed forever when she and co-worker Zelda (Octavia Spencer, Hidden Figures, The Help) discover a secret classified experiment. Visually dazzling and emotionally daring, The Shape of Water merges the pathos and thrills of the classic monster movie tradition with shadowy film noir, stirring in the heat of a love story like no other to explore the fantasies we all flirt with, the mysteries we can’t control and the monstrosities we must confront. Also starring Michael Shannon, Richard Jenkins, Doug Jones and Michael Stuhlbarg.

We have 30 passes for two to an advance screening at the Ritz East Monday, December 11th at 7:30pm. Want to pick up a pass? Simply click HERE and use the following code: PhawkerSOW

NOTE: No cameras, camera phones, or other recording devices permitted in screening. Seating is on a first come, first serve basis. Theatre capacity is limited and passes won do not guarantee seating. (So please show up early!) Theater is not responsible for overbooking. Ticket holder and guest must enter theater together.

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BEING THERE: LCD Soundsystem @ The Fillmore

Wednesday, December 6th, 2017

LCD Soundsystem-7924

At 9:00 PM on Tuesday night, the players of LCD Soundsystem scrambled through a crowded, labyrinthine metropolis of instrumentation and stage gear to take their places. The last of them — singer and producer James Murphy — emerged to the roar of a Philly Fillmore at max capacity, heightened to a fever pitch of anticipation over six years of waiting since his 2011 “retirement.”

Murphy is arguably one of the unlikeliest late-middle-aged heroes of a rock-n-roll myth. At 47 now, the frontman’s affect and aesthetic is derived from the unique interface between “don’t care” and “doin’ the damned thing,” and kinda makes you wish Phillip Seymour Hoffman were still around to do the biopic because Brendan Gleeson isn’t quite attractive enough. He croons like Morrissey, yelps like Bowie, and screams like Frank Black, over the electronic house hooks perpetrated by his seven other compatriots, at turns twitchy, funky, brutal.

With “Yr City’s A Sucker” off their 2005 debut, LCD reintroduced themselves to 2500 ecstatic millennials, later nodding to a time thirty years ago when the New-Jersey native lived just off of 4th and South, back when your city was his city too. For two solid hours, Murphy and co. weaved the haunting poetry of old favorites like “I Can Change” and the ringing frequencies of “Someone Great” with unsettling new cuts from this year’s American Dream, and landing the first of three consecutive sold-out shows with a four-song encore, under the glow of the bright white lights of their disco ball world. –JOSH PELTA-HELLER

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CINEMA: A Red Carpet Q&A W/ Director Dan Gilroy

Wednesday, December 6th, 2017


Dan Tabor_byline_avatarBY DAN TABOR FILM CRITIC This year at the Philadelphia Film Festival I got a few moments to pick the brain of screenwriter/director Dan Gilroy on the red carpet, who’s quickly made a name for himself crafting engrossing narratives around unlikely protagonists. The follow up to his acclaimed directorial debut Nightcrawler is Roman J. Israel, Esq. a film starring Denzel Washington as a legal savant with what appears to be Asperger’s syndrome. Roman is forced to fend for himself after the death of his legal partner who was the face of their team, the people person — while Roman was the brains behind the operation. Thrust into the world the driven, idealistic defense attorney, finds himself trapped in a tumultuous series of events after using his inside knowledge of a case to a profit.

Dan Gilroy has been a longtime screenwriter (Freejack, The Bourne Legacy) who has only just begun directing. With Roman the director once again tackles a story that sheds a light on another troubling aspect of our society, this time our overburdened and fractured legal system and how it’s sometimes failing those that get caught in its cracks. Thanks to Gilroy’s script Denzel delivers a much different character than we are use to, in a film that is thought provoking as it is moving thanks to Colin Farrell who tries to help the troubled Roman find his way.
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PHAWKER: First off what inspired the activism angle of Denzel’s character, you don’t see that in a lot of films?

DAN GILROY: I think activism is something that is very important right now, in the times we live in. I was very interested in someone who had dedicated themselves to that at an emotional cost, a financial cost. I was interested in Denzel playing that part and I wrote it for Denzel and it just was something I felt I had to do.

PHAWKER: Like Nightcrawler, Denzel’s character is not your typical protagonist. How was it for you as a writer crafting this odd and awkward character that most probably wouldn’t give the time of day?

DAN GILROY: I think right now everybody is looking for a hero and the truth is everyone has the accessibility to be a hero. Anybody we walk by on the street, that we don’t give a second glance to, could easily be someone who is very important and someone who could help the world in some way and Roman, Denzel’s character is someone you could not thing twice about. Yet he’s a man of great gifts, great energy, and great power. He really does change people’s lives. What I am really trying to say is we all have the ability to that. That we should all find the inner-activist inside of us and whatever we believe in and execute change in some way. That’s really important.

PHAWKER: Roman is a very eccentric character was that all on the page or did Denzel’s have a hand in the character’s mannerisms and quirks?

DAN GILROY: That was all Denzel! I wrote the script, but Denzel authored the character. He created every aspect of that character. Its his character and he brought it to life he was my collaborator and creative partner in every way on this film.

PHAWKER: What as a writer/director draws you to challenging protagonists? Both Louis Bloom NightCrawlerand Roman J. Israel, Esq. are not the greatest of human beings, but you ultimately make us care and root for them.

DAN GILROY: I am very interested in people you could judge at the surface very quickly. Jake’s character in Nightcrawler you could say is a sociopath or a psychopath, there is much more going on. Roman’s character is someone you could say is a marginalized, somebody who is really isn’t that important in the scheme of things. But when you dig down deep he has so much more to give. In this day and age every one of us is important, every one of us has gifts that can change people’s lives. Even if its just in a small way and we don’t know the big scheme, and we don’t know the big plan. But I am very interested into diving into someone’s life and really finding a different part of them other than the surface.

PHAWKER: Being the film deals with the intricacies of the law and is steeped in legalese, what kind of research did you have to do; to make sure you got it right?

DAN GILROY: I spent a lot of time in the downtown LA court system. Which is incredibly overburdened. It’s a system that is utterly out of control and needs reform. I did a lot of research talking to lawyers, I had two technical advisors who were lawyers and they helped me a lot.

PHAWKER: One thing I think people might not realize is how important names are to lawyer’s names in their work. How did you come up with Roman J. Israel, Esq.?

DAN GILROY: I very much saw the character as someone who was in conflict. I think we are all in conflict inside of us. I think all of us inspire to do good things, but there is also the reality of what we need to do. Roman very much has a conflict inside, and I liked the idea of sort of Roman and Israel at conflict with one another. Esq. is something I put at the end, because I am always intrigued by people who put Esq. in their names. The J, Denzel and I never discussed what the J. meant, but it means something. Have you seen the movie?

PHAWKER: Yes I have.

DAN GILROY: Maybe it means Jif peanut butter, I don’t know. [laughter]

PHAWKER: Finally, there was one line that really struck me. Roman says “Purity can’t exist in this world.” I feel like all of us, especially artists have felt that way, where you have to compromise to be successful. What would you say to that?

DAN GILROY: I would also say he says, “Living conditions have bearing.” That line really as much as anything has a much bigger bearing on the story, because people are so quick to judge other people based on ethnicity, sex or whatever it is or where they come from. What I am trying to say is let’s not judge people till you really understand where people are coming from and that is what Roman is fighting for the entire film. Human dignity is something that is being marginalized right now, the value of human life. Every human life is important and every human spirit is important. We really need to acknowledge that.

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BEING THERE: The National @ The Kimmel Center

Tuesday, December 5th, 2017


I’m gonna get a little gonzo here. I didn’t go to the Kimmel Center last night because I was a huge fan of The National, I went because fans tend to talk up their live show, because I love live music, and because in best-case scenarios, seeing a band that you like live can make them a band you love. Four or five songs into their set, though, I was wondering why I wasn’t loving The National. Was it the venue, would I be enjoying this same show much more at a smaller club? Maybe. Music halls in my opinion seem like an illogical venue choice most of the time, and I don’t remember ever seeing a good metal show in a basement and thinking “this is great, but I really wish we could all be enjoying the superior acoustics of wood paneling and the forgiving comfort of red velvet cushions right now.”

It could be something else though. The National are a still-relatively-young band that somehow feel as though they’d joined the rock-and-roll body politic already in mid-career. Their show is measured, subdued, quiet — a contrived calculation — with everything from the spotlights to the smooth fanfare of trumpets pinched from Belle and Sebastian polished to the point of impotence. The musicians are talented and play tightly, but even their solos never really open up the throttle, and the engine never seems to turn over. There’s a level of motion hindered, but not in the good way that hints at a really volatile potential energy.

Through at least half of the set, Singer Matt Berninger introduces each song in some strange parade of political dedications, whether unironically to a genuine heroine (“Born To Beg” which he dedicated to US Attorney Sally Yates) or ironically — either to a Trump-henchman-du-jour (“Secret Meeting” was dedicated to Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner), or even a former-Bush-Henchman-not-du-jour (um, why are we still gnashing teeth about Karl Rove, a decade later, guys?). We get it, man. We all read the news too, and we the choir of the already converted will happily affirm this call-and-response in our sold-out white liberal echo chamber.

With each of their songs, Berninger cycles through the same lazy stagecraft, delivering a verse and a chorus and then shuffling restlessly around the expansive real estate up there while nursing a red Solo cup like Toby Keith, visiting with each of his six other bandmates for a few seconds, and doing this redundant dance as though he’s trying to free his arms from entanglement in an invisible shirt. He feels almost uncommitted, like some sort of tourist on his own stage. And twice he awkwardly ventured into the crowd, climbing over the seats and into the back on the venue, forcing stagehands to scramble to give him appropriate slack to run his mic cord over fans’ heads for several dozen rows.

About halfway through the set I recognize that I’m just bored. And then I’m hit by a cold, wet realization. Literally. During “Turtleneck,” the bearded, bespectacled Berninger had hurled his Solo cup half-full of beer into the black abyss in front of him, which ultimately arrived at row Q, striking me squarely in the thigh. Beer splashed across the floor, my pants and my camera, and soaked my brand new right shoe. It was as though I had deserved it for something, somehow, as though he could make out all the notes I’d been documenting for the last hour or so, and was angry. Maybe it was to try to remind us that he really was a rabid rockstar with a wild streak, that a National show really was exciting, and that I should have some goddamned respect. But the inescapable fact remains: The National were boring last night. – JOSH PELTA-HELLER

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NPR 4 THE DEAF: We Hear It Even When You Can’t

Tuesday, December 5th, 2017

Doomsday machine


listenFRESH AIR: Our guest Daniel Ellsberg became one of the best known opponents of the Vietnam War in 1971 when he leaked the Pentagon Papers, a secret Defense Department study of the war, to The New York Times and other publications. Ellsberg, then a national security analyst with top-secret clearances, was arrested and tried under the Espionage Act. A judge dismissed the charges when it emerged that officials in the Nixon administration had directed covert actions to discredit or silence Ellsberg, including tapping his phone and breaking into his psychiatrist’s office, looking for compromising information. Ellsberg is now 86, and he has a new book about his days before he studied the Vietnam War when he worked on American nuclear war strategies in the late 1950s and early ’60s. Ellsberg was appalled by much of what he found and wishes he’d been able to leak those plans along with the Pentagon Papers. Daniel Ellsberg is the author of a 2003 memoir about the Pentagon Papers and Vietnam called “Secrets.” He’s also the subject of the Oscar-nominated documentary “The Most Dangerous Man in America.” And he’s a character in the forthcoming Spielberg film about the Pentagon Papers, “The Post.” FRESH AIR’s Dave Davies spoke to him about his new book, “The Doomsday Machine: Confessions Of A Nuclear War Planner.” MORE

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Monday, December 4th, 2017



Stampone_Byline_AvatarBY DAVID R. STAMPONE If you’ve been out of the loop on Gary Numan in recent years, you may not know that the highly influential (Nine Inch Nails to Afrikaa Bambaataa et al.) English new wave synth-rock star with the erstwhile icy android persona has become quite active again in the new millennium. Hugely popular through the very late ‘70s/ early ‘80s w #1 singles and albs, he’s in a very good place at age 59, having come to grips with issues like a decline in creative interest and his (eventually diagnosed) Asperger’s syndrome some time ago. (An engaging account of Numan’s struggles and rebirth can be found on last year’s documentary Android In La La Land.) These days, he’s happily if no less seriously making quality, ominously textured  records, touring and raising his family out in sunny Southern California, where he moved earlier this decade. And on a phone chat the other day, done in anticipation of Numan playing Philadelphia’s Union Transfer on Wednesday (Dec. 6) and The Chameleon Club in Lancaster on Friday (Dec. 8th),  he proved quite the amiable chap. DISCUSSED: Savage (Songs From A Broken World), his 22nd studio album, released in September; performing circa now vs. the late ’70s/early ’80s heyday of New Wave; Middle Eastern music appreciation/appropriation; global warming and Trump pulling the USA out of the Paris Agreement; just how adept his young daughter is as a vocalist. Not asked (in ref to Numan’s 1st chart-topper, released in 1979): “Are ‘Friends’ Electric?”

PHAWKER: It’s interesting to note that folks see you as an archetypal synth-rock artist but that you got an acoustic guitar at age 5 and a Les Paul at age 15 – so you were a guitarist first, right?

GARY NUMAN: Yeah, I did start out that way. When I got signed to my first record deal, to the Beggars Banquet label in 1978, it was as a guitar-playing singer in a punk band (Tubeway Army). Never played a keyboard in my life up until that point. But then I discovered synthesizers … and in terms of writing, I do it all on keyboards.

PHAWKER: You seem so well-adjusted to performing now, to enjoy it – which didn’t always appear to be the case?Gary_Numan-Savages-2017-art

GARY NUMAN: It’s definitely a change from when I started. I was never entirely comfortable being onstage; I preferred to be at home, writing songs. But then, as time went on, all the things that you might think make touring uncomfortable happened and I realized it’s wasn’t so bad. I began to see the good side of it. And whereas in the beginning, I wasn’t that keen on the travelling and being away from home, now that’s not the case – my wife comes along with me and we even have [our three daughters] come out for hunks of it. I’m very comfortable being onstage now and I’ve been doing it almost 40 years. It’s just great, I really do love it. There’s not really a bad side to it. It can be tiring, with a lot of shows back to back – on this tour, we’re doing 30 shows in 35 days, pretty intense – and the music is much heavier now, more aggressive, so the shows themselves are more physically demanding – but it’s cool, I love it.

PHAWKER: On the new record Savage, there are a number of interesting things afoot: some Middle Eastern musical influences; it’s set in a dystopian, post-apocalyptic desert world; there are allusions to this being an eventual fate due to unheeded warnings about global warming, etc.

GARY NUMAN: Well, it’s a combination of fascinations … I love Middle Eastern melodies – they’re quite different to ours and I think they’re beautiful. I listen to an artist called Azam Ali regularly and have for years now – in fact, we’re going to see her in January in Los Angeles, it’ll be my first concert of hers – and I listened to her a lot while making Savage to get a better understanding of how those melodies are structured. She’s Iranian-American and does a fantastic blending of Middle Eastern stuff. With Savage, it’s essentially a musical version of a novel I’ve been trying to write for quite some time.One of the ideas is a blending of Eastern and Western worlds, where everything has become desert & it’s very difficult to survive. Eastern and Western cultures have merged together, a bit like pouring milk into coffee: it becomes a different color, a different thing. So the using and borrowing, if you like, of Middle Eastern melodies was a way of trying to create and express that. Also, the lettering on the album is in English but it looks like Arabic – a visual way to try and express that.

Obviously, global warming in my science-fiction fantasy has made the world a desert but … it wasn’t meant to be prophetic or a projection, it’s just a science fiction idea that I’d been working on. But it happens to be, I think, more relevant at the moment because of what [US President & global warming denier] Donald Trump is saying. I’d thought that when the Paris Agreement was signed [by the USA & a host of nations], that [rampant, untreated] global warming as an issue had almost become yesterday’s news, in terms of the Gary Numan Pleasure Principleworld now agreeing and dealing with it – so my story started to feel slightly out of date. But then Donald Trump comes along and says something very different [pulling US out of the Paris Agreement, etc.] – and I disagree with what he says. So all of a sudden, in my mind, it becomes very relevant again, and it’s back to being a very definite danger to our future.

PHAWKER: On a brighter note and with a look to the future, your daughter Persia [just turned 12] really works well in singing the Middle Eastern-ish vocal parts on the new album track “My Name Is Ruin” – and as seen in the song’s video!

GARY NUMAN: Yeah, she did good! And she’s absolutely there on merit. It’s quite a new thing, really [her singing], but she sings constantly and she’s fantastic. I’d been working on that song for some time and could not get the sound I wanted in my voice. In that song, there’s a Middle Eastern vocal melody that comes in, meant to lift the track between verses and then set up the groove to come in stronger, and then it settles back to the verses again, which is more sparse. When I did it with my voice, it just didn’t work, did not lift it. So one day I was working on it and she’d just come home from school and popped her head around the corner to say “Hello, dad, I’m home” – and I said, “Y’know, while, you’re here, would you mind trying something for me?” And she just absolutely nailed it! She sang that part and then another and then I got her to sing the chorus itself an octave above where my voice was – and it all absolutely made the song. She’s a phenomenal little singer, has great control over her voice and if she wants to do this in the future, she would have no problem. I don’t know – she’s got many other interests but she’s loving it now.


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CINEMA: Frontier Justice

Friday, December 1st, 2017


CHRIS MALENEYBY CHRISTOPHER MALENEY FILM CRITIC If someone asks you to name the essential hallmarks of a Western, what would you say? The cowboy hat? The gunfight at high noon? The frontier town with running saloon fights and and anything-goes frontier feeling? The lone gunfighter on a quest for extrajudicial revenge against a villain too powerful for the law to contain? From Shane to Fargo, each retelling of the western — every reshuffle of the tropes — offers a different interpretation of the quest for justice in America, but all ultimately assure as that it can be found with the help of a gun or a fist, that it can be found at all.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri is not a classic western, but, make no mistake, it is a western. When the investigation into her daughter’s vicious, senseless murder is seven months stalled, Mildred Hayes (Frances McDormand) rents the titular three billboards to ask Chief Willoughby (Woody Harrelson), quite publicly, why no progress has been made on the case. From this simple act comes a drama that changes the face of Ebbing, Missouri.

The question at the center of Three Billboards is: What does it take for a poor person to earn justice? Without money or influence, they have little ability to emphasize the importance of their plight. As often as not, the poor end up placed in an adversarial position with the law where they can be arrested or assaulted at any time by the police with little to no legal recourse available. Even in the best of times, as Chief Willoughby explains to Mildred, a case can take months or years to solve. Even when evidence is present, the evil that men do can often go unpunished because the job of the police is not to protect or serve individuals, but to protect each other. As Mildred explains calmly but drunkenly to the town priest, the police — or the clergy, or the bourgeoisie — are a gang working together and complicit always, even when they do not know it.

But even with this starkly true, rotten-to-the-core morality, Three Billboards is not an altogether cynical take on justice, though it is morally ambiguous, because every character, it seems, has a double self. The characiature of a drunken, racist, cruel, incompetent cop that is Officer Dixon (Sam Rockwell) still has his humanity, even if he must be literally cleansed by fire to find it. Angry Chief Willoughby, though literally and symbolically cancerous, still tries to be a good father, a good husband, and a good public figure. His eventual replacement is not the tough-as-nails fixer we expect, but just another cop with a cop’s priorities. Our hero, Mildred Hayes, has a strong exterior that turns as often to cruelty as it does to fragility. Her violently abusive ex-husband still carries an iota of tenderness, and even their mild-mannered son can wield a knife when push comes to shove.

There are complaints I could make about the movie, of course. Peter Dinklage is not used to his fullest potential, for one. For another, the effects of structural racism is not fully examined, but it is assumed in many ways. One or two scenes are disjointed, out of place between each other. The ending takes a long while to get to, as the solution to Angela Hayes’ murder moves in and out of focus. This doubles as both feature and a flaw as this is not a detective movie, so it is not bound to satisfy us with answers. Instead, it asks serious questions about what policing looks like in the  21st Century, about whether redemption is possible, whether revenge is worthwhile. Go see Three Billboards if you have a strong constitution or a dark sense of humor, but don’t expect to be the same when you come out of the theater.

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SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Sweet Home Alabama

Friday, December 1st, 2017



BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Jesus, God, whoda thunk it?! Whoda ever thunk that that imbecilic Oval Office swamp pig could actually outdo himself?! Yes indeed ladies and gentlemen and “children” of all ages, the pin-brained White House boar hog in residence has actually pulled off the SMUSheretofore believed impossible: he has totally and completely outschmucked himself! Way down yonder in Alabysmal — it’s a state of mindlessness and misogyny just inside the southeastern boundaries of the Great Republican Swamp — resides a pedophile by the name of Roy Moore who’s doing his slithering best to fill a vacant U.S. Senate seat from that godforsaken … well, what the hell, I’m pretty sure you’ve already picked up on the general gist of my description direction here, so I’ll leave the remaining site, smell and creature features to your imagination.

But perhaps the most shocking aspect of this entire reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, repellent matter (and that’s stating it just about as mildly as humanely possible given all the facts) is the actual obscene tilt of the typical Moore/Trump supporter’s ethical and moral compasses versus their holier than thou espoused “ordinal” compass orientations. In other words, to hell with all those so-called Godly principles and all those boasted of, bragged about and constantly ballyhooed Christian/Evangelical “family values” when it comes to good ole cotton state Republican politics. Or, as proudly proclaimed in native Alabysmalian, “Hell YES! We’ll take a good old fashioned unprincipled pedophile over one of them damn liberal dems EVERY TIME!”

Anyway, the fact that no fewer than SIX adult women who were teenagers at the time have come forward to state that Roy attempted to molest and/or, in fact, “bed” them when Moore was in his thirties (he was reportedly banned from the local shopping mall) has made absolutely no difference to the nation’s P*ssy Grabber In Chief. The Oval Office’s Official Misogyny Mentor has now publicly announced that Roy is his main man! Why? Because, “Roy says he didn’t do it. Not only that, Roy says he TOTALLY didn’t do it. And, anyway, regardless, we can’t have another liberal dem in Congress!” And to commemorate this aberrant occasion, and by the power vested in me as Head Moronic Degenerate, I hereby announce the establishment of a National Pedophile Day in conjunction with today’s surprise dedication and ground-breaking for Trump Molestation University which will include the altogether unique and permanent provision of reduced or fully-paid tuition for those with pre-existing hebephilia, ephebophilia or pedophilia. Mr. Pence, may I have the scissors and shovel, please! (Okay, I made up those last two sentences.)

Incidentally, Donnie, I know you can’t spell the terms but do you possess even a middle schooler’s understanding of the concepts involved (oops, there I go again, using those big words that only end up wafting through that orange tangle of cobwebs). The terms in question, Mr. President, are H O N E S T Y and I N T E G R I T Y and D E C E N C Y and D I G N I T Y. Yeah, I thought so. The shear ignorance, phoniness and immaturity apparent in this administration are deplorable to say the least. The number of high-level appointees who’ve either quit, been fired or departed under a cloud of noxious gas amount to a shameful legend in tRump’s own time. But the truly obnoxious part is the number of witless and/or complicit lemmings and other assorted TrumPied rodents that continue to be attracted by his piping. They voted him into office and seem willing to throw the entire nation down the Mar-a-Lago sewer rather than admit to their selfishness and stupidity. Never before in history have so “few” been responsible for so much vileness. One thing is for absolute unequivocal certain: on December 12th the entire nation is going to learn how many (if any) DECENT and PRINCIPLED human beings inhabit the state of Alabama. Period.

So, all things considered, say hey, Donnie J., how many Syrian hospitals did your bosom buddy Putin bomb today?! How many plaudits did you send his way?! How many Syrian men, women and children did you help him KILL or MAIM or DISPLACE today?! How many of his denials did you echo today?! How many lies did you yourself tell today?! How many ignorance-laced tweets did you fart forth today?! How many thumbs did you suck and how many tantrums did you throw today?! How many idiotic conspiracy theories did you initiate or confirm today?! How many cheats, incompetents and fellow democracy saboteurs did you appoint or have to find replacements for today?! How many government departments did you gut today?! How many indispensable American diplomats and citizens abroad did you put at risk today?! How many vitally important diplomatic positions did you continue to leave vacant today?! How many patriotic truth-exposing newspersons did you attempt to silence or smear today?! How many Americans did you intentionally try to choke, poison and asphyxiate today?! And, by the way, how many of those “clean” coal industry jobs — you know, the ones that are so much more important than wind jobs and solar jobs and natural gas jobs — did you save or bring back today?! And, finally, how many women did YOU belittle, insult the intelligence of, and/or molest today?! Do America a favor, Swamp Stocker, go schmuck yourself!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

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INCOMING: Velvet Goldmine

Thursday, November 30th, 2017



RELATED: David Bowie Will Never Die

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Thursday, November 30th, 2017

Directed by Daren Rabinovitch of Encyclopedia Pictura. Incredible.

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Q&A: Talking Guns, Suicide, Louis CK’s Dick & Getting Spanked By Robert De Niro W/ Jim Norton

Thursday, November 30th, 2017



BY EVAN HUNDELT American comedian Jim Norton’s self-deprecating jabs, sardonic wit, casually carnal pantomimes, and unabashed, caustic commentary, which he used to get chicks in grade school and avoid the eternally dreaded swirlie (the bullies dug his side-splitting humor), has landed him in the showbiz limelight with two New York Times best selling books, numerous standup specials on HBO GO, Hulu, Amazon, and most recently, his 5th hour standup special Mouthful of Shame, which premiered on Netflix last year. Additionally, he co-hosts UFC’s Unfiltered Podcast with Jim Norton & Matt Serra and can be heard weekdays on SiriusXm’s The Jim Norton & Sam Roberts Show. He has performed on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show with David Letterman, and has cameos in Lucky Louie, Inside Amy Schumer, and Trainwreck, to name a few. Ahead of his Kneeling Room Only tour, which stops at the Fillmore in Philadelphia on Thursday November 30th, I had the pleasure to talk with Jim Norton about Robert De Niro spanking his bare ass, his friend Louis CK’s recent allegations, the role of gun violence, suicide, and sensitive subjects in comedy, and the sexual assault epidemic in Hollywood.

PHAWKER: In your Netflix special Mouthful of Shame, the opening scene with Robert De Niro spanking your bare ass was pretty amazing. Can you tell me the story behind that? Are you guys good friends? Was he totally cool with it?

JIM NORTON: Well you know I had helped him with something—a project he had done where I was consulting—so I got to know him a little bit. jim nortonAnd after the project was done, I emailed his assistant and sent him the script for Mouthful of Shame, and asked him if he’d do this. But I kept the spanking part out because I didn’t want to creep him out. So they wrote me back, saying that he’d love to do this with me. And then when we got there day of, I brought a hairbrush and was like: “Hey, I’m gonna ask you to spank me, but if you don’t want to touch my bare ass I have a brush.” I promised not to jizz on his leg—he laughed, and agreed to do it, to spank my bare bottom. It was lovely.

PHAWKER: Have you kept in touch with him since?

JIM NORTON: I’ve bumped into him every once in awhile. But the thing with someone like Robert De Niro, you have to realize, is when you’re done with the project your relationship is over for that period of time. He’s the type of guy that everyone wants to know, so you can’t think like: hey maybe we’ll be able to meet up for some coffee… No, he’s De Niro, so like, I did a couple of things with him—he’s awesome—but when I see him we’ll say hello. You can’t expect to hang out with a guy like that. That’s the problem people have where they start annoying him, because you just want that to continue. But you have to realize that I was lucky to have been able to do anything like that at all. I have a great picture hanging up in my apartment—it’s blown up, like fifteen inches by thirty inches, of me looking at the camera—my ass is out—and he’s about to spank me. That’s the greatest thing I’ve gotten in show business.

PHAWKER: What was your a-ha moment when you were young and you said to yourself “this is what I am going to do with my life, make people laugh for a living”? And when was that moment when you were able to tell yourself ‘yeah, I got this, I can do this”?

JIM NORTON: I didn’t realize I could do comedy seriously until I had done it for a couple years. It always just seemed like some bullshit dream. But when I was a kid, the only thing that made girls notice me was making them laugh. So I knew that being funny meant something. And it also prevented bigger kids from stuffing my dumb face into the toilet, with the fact that I could make them laugh. I saw Richard Jim_Norton_Contextually_InadequatePryor when I was eleven or twelve, and was like: oh this is what you do with this, that’s the next level, making people laugh on stage.

PHAWKER: Gun rights and suicide come up in your act. All kidding aside where do you stand on guns and why? Likewise, what is your take on suicide: Obviously it’s always sad and tragic, but do you think it is always wrong or should people have the right to make that ultimate choice?

JIM NORTON: My views on guns were never that radical. I despise the NRA. I’ve always hated them. I just think that citizens should be able to arm themselves—but I don’t think you need automatic weapons. I’m fine having a fucking rifle or shotgun in the house, but most people aren’t going on killing sprees with shotguns and rifles, it’s semiautomatic weapons. And the fact that it’s just so easy to get your hands on one—that’s why I despise the NRA. My gun stance was never that radical, I just think that people who are proven mentally qualified, and don’t have a history of mental illness, should have a right to have something to protect themselves. But as far as these semi and automatic weapons that cops are carrying, I have a serious problem with citizens carrying those. And as far as suicide, yeah obviously it’s wrong, but if you’re old and sick, and want to do some Doctor Kevorkian shit, they should have the right to.

PHAWKER: So the subject matter of your comedy doesn’t change at all with this heightened sensitivity for things like gun violence and suicide?

JIM NORTON: No, a comedian’s job is not to avoid sensitive subjects. A comedian’s job is to pick up a sensitive subject and examine it. You don’t have to brutalize it—any subject can be handled however you want to handle it as a comedian, however you feel the fair way to handle it is. I’ve made fun of Caitlyn Jenner, but I’ve also defended trans rights and have talked about liking trans girls. And if people don’t like the Caitlyn joke I do, that’s fine. But to imply that a Caitlyn joke is trans-phobic is insanity.

PHAWKER: Louis CK is a friend of yours and you’ve appeared on his show Lucky Louie. You’ve discussed the masturbating in front of women without their consent rumors on your Jim & Sam podcast back in August, back before it became public and he admitted publicly that it was true. And again after the New York Times story broke. Sarah Silverman made a very public statement a few days ago, essentially asking can you still love someone even though they have done a bad thing? What do you think is the answer to that question? Can Louis come back from this some day and if so what does he have to do to redeem himself?

JIM NORTON: I think the big question is are there more people? Let’s just say for the sake of argument, that his is all there is: there are no one people and nobody underage, and nobody was forced—that it’s just a bunch of selfish, shitty decisions by Louie. Even if you’re on a Tinder date, and you say, “Hey do you wanna come home and watch me jerk off?” it’s a crazy question but there’s no power dynamic, and she’ll say no and you’ll go your own ways. But there is a power dynamic when you’re working with somebody. You don’t want to make people uncomfortable who are in a professional environment, or when they have to submit to things because their manager asked—there’s a different dynamic there you understand. But if this all there is, is there a way back for him? Sure, I would think so, in a few years. It seems like he has addressed it honestly. And it also depends on how the women whom he has affected handle it publicly. And it depends on what he does: how honest he is, coming back. When a person acknowledges that they’ve fucked up, Jim Norton 2that’s great. Do they also acknowledge what it did to the people—the selfishness of it. Kevin Spacey took advantage of underage people; Harvey Weinstein is alleged to having raped people—that is a tremendous difference between what they did and what Louis did. And I’m not saying that what Louie did wasn’t selfish, or wasn’t fucked up—but there is a different level of offence I think. So yes I think you can still love somebody if they do dumb shit. Do I think you can love somebody who was a child molester? I don’t know—I mean I hope I’m never put a position to have to make that decision.

PHAWKER: And Louis CK is certainly not the first to have gone through this…

JIM NORTON: Roman Polanski fucked a thirteen-year-old, whom he drugged, and everyone in Hollywood worships this guy. Woody Allen—again only allegations—but the girl came out and spoke against him, but people in Hollywood are lining up to work with him. I think a guy who does something very stupid and selfish like Louie can survive it, but something monstrous on the level of what these guys did is unforgivable. I can understand, yeah Roman Polanski was a long time ago, but so was Hitler, and nobody has forgiven him. I love the fact that people who work with Polanski are just like: “Well it was a long time ago.” Who gives a shit he still fucked a thirteen-year-old.

PHAWKER: What about the whole Al Franken thing? Should he resign or can he somehow make things right?

JIM NORTON: No I don’t think he should resign—I mean I only know about the one incident. A lot of this depends on what else will come out, because you don’t want to say, “Yeah what he did was no big deal,” and then it comes out he did something horrible. It’s hard to judge something fifteen years ago by the standards of today and hold them under the same light—it doesn’t mean what he did wasn’t wrong. I think he looked at it as a joke, and then years later was like: “Wow that was fucking inappropriate.” But do I think he should resign? No. At least not if this is all there is. And I believe she came out and said she accepted the apology.

PHAWKER: How do you think all of these sexual allegations against powerful men in Hollywood will change things?

JIM NORTON: Well I think the good part of it is, is that people who are being sexually harassed or sexualized at all will not be afraid to speak up when it bothers them. Like if somebody hits on you, that’s fine—but if you’re uncomfortable, there should be nothing stopping you from saying, “Hey, I don’t want you doing that.” It’s when are afraid to express you concern, that it becomes a problem. But it’s a shame that somebody would be afraid to tell a guy “No” without turning to human resources because it would affect their career—that’s where the tragedy is. People are going to be pieces of shit, that’s not going to change, but the sad part is people are afraid to speak up and say something about it. Are you going to change predatory behavior? No. But maybe they’ll become more aware of the consequences they’re going to have to pay for doing it. But there is always going to be predators, so hopefully the good thing that’ll come from this whole purge is that people won’t be afraid to speak up, and they won’t be afraid for their careers.

PHAWKER: Do you think that comedy, which is candid and largely unfiltered, is a good platform for effectively discussing and criticizing these issues regarding gun violence, sexual assaults, et cetera?

JIM NORTON: What I tend to focus on is the delusion, selfishness, and narcissism of the guys doing it. I mean I’m a dirty guy and I admit to being a dirty guy. But my mind doesn’t work like that. I couldn’t jerk off in front of somebody who doesn’t want me to jerk off in front of them. It would turn me off and make me feel creepy. I like when another person’s dirtiness is on the same level as mine—that’s good for me. But for someone to not be enjoying themselves—how do you as a person not know that you’re making another person really uncomfortable? I tend to make fun of that. So there is a way to address these issues, it’s all about where you put the joke. And I try to put it on the guys that are doing it and not on their absolute, sometimes sociopathic inability to sympathize with the victims.


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GEEK SQUAD: Dog Pile The Big Bad Purple Guy

Thursday, November 30th, 2017

Today Marvel dropped the first trailer for Avengers: Infinity War and it features every friggin’ superhero under the Marvel Cinematic Universe sun: Spider-Man, Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, a blonde Black Widow, Captain America, Black Panther, Winter Soldier, Doctor Strange, Scarlet Witch, Vision, Hawkeye, Falcon, War Machine, and even The Guardians of the Galaxy all show up to deal with Thanos, the super-villainous intergalactic emperor. But is Thanos a big enough threat to warrant this supersize cast? As a comic reader I am wondering who else is coming out to help them because Thanos is shown collecting the Infinity Stones. These MacGuffins littered the Marvel Cinematic Universe since Captain America: The First Avenger. Each stone caused total destruction and nearly destroyed at least one planet. Thanos has at least two and a world-conquering army as back up. Fans have been waiting for his appearance since the first Avengers film where he sponsored Loki’s invasion of Earth. Now the Mad Titan was able to steal this trailer from the dozen or so heroes loaded into it. It is too early to say what is going on other than another alien invasion that needs a lot more help than the last one did but it got me excited. At worse this will be a dumb blockbuster where every superhero Marvel didn’t license the film rights away (plus Spider-Man) dog pile the big bad purple guy behind the villains of The Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 .– RICHARD SUPLEE

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NPR 4 THE DEAF: We Hear It Even When You Can’t

Monday, November 27th, 2017



FRESH AIR: After the sudden death of his wife, Michelle McNamara, in April of 2016, comedian Patton Oswalt felt himself falling apart. He began drinking and eating bad food and he struggled with insomnia. “I was beginning to kind of kiss the edge during those months,” he says. “I felt like I was fading out of the world … just sort of treating myself like I had already died.” But Oswalt also knew that he had to pull himself together — if not for his own sake, then for the sake of his young daughter, Alice. He turned to the one place where he could express his grief in a constructive manner: the stage. “I started going back onstage in August of that year, completely not ready and completely feeling incapable,” he says. “But also I went on stage out of that feeling of, ‘I don’t know what else to do. This is what I’ve always done about everything else, and I don’t have another outlet to express and work out my grief.'” Over the past year, Oswalt’s life has taken a new turn. He met, fell in love and married actress Meredith Salenger, and he has a new Netflix special, Patton Oswalt: Annihilation, where he talks about the Trump era and the time he’s spent processing his grief. MORE

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Cost of the War in Iraq
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