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HIZZONER ’07: Money Squawks, Full Disclosure Talks

Thursday, February 1st, 2007


[Source: Philadelphia Inquirer]

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The Chickens Of Homophobia Come Home To Roost

Thursday, January 25th, 2007
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Monday, January 22nd, 2007

gaybo.thumbnail.JPGBY TOMMY ZANE There are a lot of things that can put a queen in a mood. The right to not marry, Red Cross’ homophobic ban on blood-donating by ALL gay men, still in effect since the eighties, and dumbasses that ask you about the “Iggles game” in the elevator at work, assuming you give a damn. Just to name a few. This week, I experienced three of my favorites:
Gaybo’s Pet Peeve #1: Let’s start with pets — dogs to be exact. Dear Straight Friend Colette and her hunky husband Cliff live down in Old City. (They bought a condo five years ago when you could still get a bargain for under $500,000.) Ramon and I love to walk down to their neighborhood and hit one of those primo restaurants for a meal. The thing I’ve noticed lately? Dogs everywhere! Now, I love the creatures and had a loyal German Shepherd when I was a kid, but pet owners are another matter. I especially like the bitches dragging their dog (literally) down the street while chatting on their cell phones, not paying any mind to their animal trying to relieve itself. Precious. Of course once they finally do poop, many of the owners don’t pick it up. The fucking nerve! I saw one shifty guy perpetrate this crime and walked right up to him and said, “Hey! Your dog just shit on the sidewalk. Aren’t you going to pick it up so someone doesn’t step in it? panlab.jpgHUH?!?!?” He looked at me like I just punched his mother. Wish I had. She didn’t raise him very well.
Gaybo’s Pet Peeve #2: Talking at the movies. Have we really raised a generation of folks who can’t keep their mouths shut? Do you really think you’re so important that we really need to hear you talk throughout a film? The only speaking I want to hear during a film is what comes from the movie speakers or, “Get out! There’s a fire!” Save that incredibly funny joke for your myspace profile. Someone should open a theatre chain where tape is placed on the mouths of all incessant gabbers. I’d gladly quit my day job for the chance to duct tape the cake hole on these assholes.
Gaybo Pet Peeve #3 – Harassing gay folks in the street. I had the misfortune of nearly getting my skull crushed this week. My Lovely and I were walking up 8th Street from South when three vehicles full of drunken Jersey frat boys stopped their cars to mess with us. They were obviously drunk driving and itching for a fight. Ramon doesn’t back down very easily, so I was prepared for the worst. Fortunately, one of Philly’s finest pulled up just as the jerks were getting physical. I was relieved to see the police, but I couldn’t help thinking how lucky we were. There are people gay bashed, harassed and jeered at every day in this city. So fuck you very much, Karl Rove and Ken Mehlman.
Spain currently has two fine films to offer U.S. moviegoers, “Volver” and “Pan’s Labyrinth“. “Volver” is Pedro Almodovar’s latest creation and stars Penelope Cruz as a self-determined Mother trying to raise her daughter with little resources. Carmen Maura plays opposite Cruz as her ghost-like and long- estranged Mother. Both ladies are excellent in this noir-ish Almodovar instant classic. Guillermo del Toro has directed “Pan’s Labyrinth”, set in postwar Franco’s Spain. Ivana Baquero is an Anne Frank-like young girl escaping the misery of war into a fairytale existence. The film is a great statement against the ravages of war and sad testament to its awful psychic costs. Both films are in Spanish with English subtitles. Lucky for me, I already speak some Spanish. Donde esta en la cocina? That means “where is the kitchen?” So now you know.
YouTube Clip of The Week: Espana’s Swingin’ Salome wins Eurovision, 1969
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Sandra “still workin’ it” Bernhard filling the Prince Theatre with laughter this past weekend, Jennifer “Got the Golden Globe now here comes The Oscar” Hudson, and 2008 Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary “Big surprise, I’m running” Clinton. Let the bearded clambake begin!

ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you ‘heard good things.’ Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He could also probably kick your ass into next week. But don’t worry, Tommy’s a lover not a fighter. He may be going to hell, but then most of our straight friends are, too. Every MONDAY look for GAYBO. We’ll have a gay old time!

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Monday, January 22nd, 2007

We here at Phawker are no strangers to comedic misfires when trying to hit the bullseye of funny: jokes that won’t start in the morning, jokes that go off prematurely, jokes that can’t get it up, jokes that stall on the railroad tracks. Which is, in part, why we would like to introduce to you a new and recurring feature calledbob-saget.jpg WHEN DOES THIS GET FUNNY? Think of it as a penalty box for bad jokers, a time-out for the foul ball hitters of the funny bone, a rolled up newspaper across the snout of good intentions and botched execution.
THE JOKER: Brian McManus, Music Editor, PW
THE EGG HE LAID: An ill-aimed swing at post-modern gonzo Q&A with alleged-comedian and former local boy Bob Saget. Perhaps sensing, rightfully it should be noted, that almost NOBODY wants to read an interview with Bob Saget, McManus tries to sex it up with standard alt-weekly one-two punch: irony and kitsch. As such, the entire conversation is about what Bob Saget thinks about Bob Seeger because A) They were both in town this week for performances B) They are both named Bob — get it?

Brian McManus: All Music Guide offers the following adjectives to describe the music of Bob Seger: exuberant, swaggering, hungry, trippy and bittersweet. What adjectives would they list to describe your standup?
Bob Saget: Exhausting, staggering, cryptic and like a Nutty Buddy.

HOW TO REDEEM HIMSELF: Conduct a legitimately insightful and penetrating interview with a truly important figure in the business that is show — but drained of all irony, kitsch, and pomo hot-dogging — in which the takeaway is something more than empty calories for the mind. That’s our job.

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Some Ass Clown Punks Da Mayor On Wikipedia

Monday, January 22nd, 2007

According to the online encyclopedia – which has a well-earned checkered reputation as both an everyman’s Britannica and a site where bias, slander and outright untruths reign – Mayor Streetbozo3.jpg once played Bozo the Clown.

Wikipedia’s bio on the mayor included: “At the same time that Street practiced law, he also began a media career in Philadelphia. Street worked for television station WPSG-TV and, for a four-year period, he played the character Bozo the Clown on Philadelphia’s Bozo the Clown children’s television show. When Street ran for Philadelphia City Council, he ceased his media career.”

“I’m sure that isn’t true,” said Joe Grace, Street’s spokesman. “Wikipedia has had many problems with people sabotaging other people’s Web sites.”

Founded in 2001, Wikipedia is the online encyclopedia that allows most anyone to create and edit its content, which means it can change daily. Sure enough, hours after we talked to Grace, the mayor’s bio had been changed.

PHILLY.COM: ‘I’m Sure That Isn’t True’ Isn’t A Very Convincing Denial
WIKIPEDIA: Never Even Went To Clown School or, For That Matter, Crazy College

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JACKASS FUNHOUSE: Iggy & The Stooges To Play Bam Magera’s Wedding, Said To Be Working Up Really Friggin’ Awesome Smear-Yourself-In-Peanut-Butter And Roll In Broken Glass Version Of ‘Electric Slide’

Thursday, January 18th, 2007


Rock legends Iggy and the Stooges will perform at the Feb. 2 wedding of Bam Margera and Missy Rothstein. So will The Sounds. “Jackass” troublemaker Margera announced the news on his Sirius Satellite Radio show on Monday. Margera and Rothstein are being followed by MTV for a new series, “Bam’s Unholy Union,” which premieres Jan. 30.

The wedding will be held at an as-yet- undisclosed location in the area, and we’re told the couple had a difficult time finding a spot because a few locations turned them down, afraid the hellraiser, or his cronies, would tear their place apart.

DAN GROSS: Of Course He’s Had It In The Ear Before!

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SAME AS IT EVER WAS: Neil Stein Spotted Walking Towards Rittenhouse Square & Looking FABULOUS!

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

neilsteinpw.jpgStein, 65, said that he wanted to create a high-end, boutique hotel called Wow with computers and flat-screen televisions in every room, with a bistro, rooftop club, limo service, Philadelphia’s best spa, and – in place of a check-in desk – a concierge service to escort guests to their rooms. Or he’d try franchising Rouge, the bistro he created on Rittenhouse Square, perhaps opening versions in Miami Beach or the Georgetown section of Washington. Or develop a rehab center for alcohol and drug addicts in Center City; he’s a recovering addict. He said he had even given some thought to opening an employment agency for ex-inmates. “I’ve never felt this good in my entire life, believe it or not, physically or mentally,” he told reporters. Stein was let out of the Federal Correctional Institution in Schuylkill County Friday at noon, after serving 10 months and 10 days of a year-and-a-day sentence. His crime, to which he pleaded guilty in 2005, was failing to pay taxes on $500,000 he had skimmed from his restaurant empire, which once included Striped Bass, Avenue B and Fishmarket.

INQUIRER: Out Of The Big House And Back To His House
PW: The Last Temptation Of Neil Stein?

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NOW HIRING: High-Profile Local Defense Attorney Needs High-Profile Local Defense Attorney

Tuesday, January 16th, 2007

A well-known Philadelphia lawyer has been arrested and charged with numerous offenses. Police say he was discovered naked, in a private lounge area of the Criminal Justice Center, with a 14-year-old girl. Defensejailbait5.JPG attorney Larry Charles has been charged with sexual assault, corrupting the morals of a minor, and several other crimes. Police say Charles and the girl went into the CJC on Monday. Courts were not in session because of the Martin Luther King holiday, but Charles said the girl wanted to post bail for someone. After the pair was not seen for a while, and CJC guards could not find them in the area where bail is posted, they began searching and eventually found the pair in a locked third-floor lounge area set aside for lawyers.

KYW: If You Would Just Hand Me My Pants, I Can Explain Everything

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Stephen A. Smith Please Phone Home…Pretty Please?

Monday, January 15th, 2007

Friday night was the last episode of “Quite Frankly,” the weeknight ESPN2 show hosted by Inqwaster‘s Stephen A. Smith. The station canceled the show, and on his ESPN Radio show Friday, Smith said he accepts blame for the ratings being lackluster.

stephenasmith.jpgAccording to the sports network, Smith will continue to play a large role for ESPN/ESPN2.

“The other things he does for us are going to increase,” an ESPN spokesman said Friday night. He added that Smith will be seen on air “as much or more than ever.”

However, Smith’s comments to on Friday, suggest he is leaving the sports network.

Smith said doing a new show on ESPN2 was a tremendous challenge, but he’s proud of what he and his staff accomplished. Smith wrote: “Now I move on to future challenges – while enthusiastically embracing old ones like writing for the Inquirer on a more frequent basis.”

Smith did not respond to our e-mails seeking comment.

DAILY NEWS: Gee, That’s Funny, He Responded To PHAWKER’s Email
PREVIOUSLY: Stephen A. Smith Responds To Phawker’s Email

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Monday, January 15th, 2007

gaybo.JPGBY TOMMY ZANE Aging Granddaddy of all hipsters and ambivalent sex-God Morrissey is rumored to have jumped in the race to write and/or perform this year’s U.K. entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, to be held May 12 in Helsinki, Finland. The 52 year-old contest counts ABBA and Olivia Newton-John among its discoveries (the Aussie warbler lost out to the ABBA’s “Waterloo” in the 1974 go-round) but Eurovision is mostly known for its high camp and lousy pop songs with flashy Solid Gold-esque choreography. If Morrissey does indeed sign up to represent the U.K., I can only imagine a domino effect throughout Europe. Berlin will re-unite and perform for Germany, John Travolta and Olivia can represent Greece (OK, that’s a stretch), and Sinead O’Connor will sing for Ireland while ripping up a picture of Tony Blair. Meanwhile, on this side of the pond, not a peep in the press about the rumored American version of Eurovision. Can you imagine the possibilities? Kansas, Alabama, Chicago . . . the list is endless. Check out this classic German Eurovision performance From 1979, and fast-forward to 1:28. Warning: Do not drink milk while watching, unless you like it squirting through your nose!
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HOLLA: An Open Letter To Martha Raddatz

Thursday, January 11th, 2007

wookie-thumb.thumbnail.jpgBY JAMES DOOLITTLE You weren’t fooling me none, sweetheart. A few Sundays ago while you were jib-jabbing away with Stephanopoulos, I looked deep, beyond that educated stare, and saw the fire, the heat, the undeniable glow that made me think you might show love to a street thug from Philly. And now . . . we all know, courtesy of the mighty Keith Olbermann:

“But first, it would not be COUNTDOWN without the top three newsmakers of this day, politically stylized for your protection.

. . . And number one, my old colleague from Channel 5 in Boston, Martha Raddatz, chief White House correspondent of ABC News. The White House press briefing interrupted when a cell phonemartha-raddatz.jpg went off and started playing “Ridin’,” a hip-hop number by Chamillionaire, featuring [sic] Crazy Bone. Martha later revealed that the ring tone had been downloaded by one of her kids. Press Secretary Snow identified the phone as Miss Raddatz’ and said, ‘play that funky music white girl.’ “

Oh, Martha, don’t hide your light beneath those prim Ann Taylor duds. Just ‘fess up to the fact: We done caught you ridin’ dirty, and by that I mean the obvious. Sure, Chamillionaire and Krayzie Bone may be talking about playing games with the fuzz and all, but in the 19147, “Ridin'” is baby making music. The double entrendre-laden chorus, that slick beat . . . shit, I’m getting all worked up just thinking of you, girl. So how about I roll my Excursion ’round the block, and get on with “grippin’ some oak” — if you know what I’m sayin’?


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PEEPLE: Brit To Post Sex Vid On MySpace? That’s The Scuttlebutt ’round The Ol’ Burger Basket Where They Would Actually Know The Truth About Such Things

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

Sources close to Spears report she is “seriously thinking about” giving away a digitally re-masteredbritneysextap.jpg copy of the four-hour long sex video.

During a visit to Burger Basket with her two sons, Sean Preston and Jayen James spears said she may just post a clip of the video on MySpace.

“Brit figures she’ll beat that sucker to the punch, just like she did by giving away pictures of Jayden James,” said Spears family friend Nyla Price, 55, the owner of Nyla’s Burger Basket.

“Half of nuthin’ is nuthin’, and that’s what her lying skunk of a husband will get if she gives that video away before he can find some sleazeball to buy it.”

Federline has been saying the sex tape is four hours long, however, Price says the tape is closer to forty-five minutes.

Canada Now: It’s A Sad Indictment Of American Journalism That We Have To Go To Canada To Learn The Latest On The Britney Sex Tape

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Via BuzzFeed

Cost of the War in Iraq
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