TOMMY ZANE REPORTS: It’s Election Eve 2006 and I’m just up to my ears in excitement! Now, remember to stick to the plan: First we take Santorum, then the rest of The GOP in 2008. The Hillary/Obama ticket is gonna rock those Republican bitches into the next decade! You may ask, is the world ready for a dyke and a black man? HELLS YES! If the last eight years has proven anything it is this: You simply cannot drop the soap in front of a Republican. It’s too risky. Republicans are just too unstable, too many are just barely holding their gay in check. There was this gal I work with we’ll call Ruffhouse who was angry that Phawker would picture a Senator with the words I EAT COCK. I think he’s fair game for this kind of thing. His obsession with homosexuals borders on the pathological and my gaydar says possible repressed gay tendencies that he’s buried in devout Catholicism and hidden behind prolific procreation. We all know that it is entirely possible for a possibly-gay man to sire that big a brood if he puts his closeted-mind to it. I plan on celebrating the end of the “dog-on-man sex era” with a nice martini, maybe at Bump. Come on around and introduce yourself. Bring your drapery swatches for The Congressional overhaul. It’ll be as much fun as Cyndi Lauper in the ’80s!
Speaking of the ’80s, no, you are not tripping when you see that Joan Collins and Linda Evans are onstage together at The Forrest in “Legends.” This was one of those car accident moments, when it’s just too horrible not to look. I considered buying tickets when suddenly, my cellie rang offering me freebies. Apparently, they couldn’t even give away tix for that dreck! So, my best faggirl, Tina and I were off. Well, Tina dozed off and starting snoring about 15 minutes into it (I had to smack her). Really, I mean these television divas should have stuck to the small screen. So wooden. Way too much stage to fill. The last time I was at The Forrest, I saw the incomparable Annie Lennox — now, there’s a fucking LEGEND. Still, there was something fabulous about hearing Joan Collins utter the words “steaming turd” on stage. I can only dream of an entire series of this type. Possible pairings could be: Liza Minnelli and Courtney Love, Eartha Kitt and Charo, and maybe Joan Rivers and RuPaul. The latest craze out of London — New Rave. That’s punkish vocals over an electronic track. Check out ?Yeah, Yeah.? Also, #1 in The U.K.– “Put Your Hands Up For Detroit” by Fedde Le Grand (SEE BELOW). Detroit?!? What about Philly? Hello Frisco! And what’s this rumor I hear about Woody’s being sold for 3 million dollars? According to my sources, the club has been sold and will be renamed Crank. I guess there are worst names for a club. Tina, Crystal, Horse or Grass would be worst. Last time I did crank I drove to the shore at 4am and ended up in bed with a casino dealer named Bruno. HEY NOW! Stay tuned to Phawker for the latest on this breaking story, bitches.
ABOUT THIS COLUMN: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you ?heard good things.? Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He could also probably kick your ass into next week. But don’t worry, Tommy?s a lover not a fighter. He may be going to hell, but then most of our straight friends are, too. Every MONDAY look for GAYBO. We?ll have a gay old time!