SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Dear Mr. President # 2

Illustration by MARK BRYANT

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Hi there. Me again. Just checking to make sure you’re all right. I mean, have you gotten help after that wacked out, absurd and really quite asinine little tantrum you let loose with on Friday? Wow, that was a doozy. I was concerned that the EMT folks might not get to you in time. Did you make it to Walter Reed before you went into shock? Are you still hospitalized? Sure hope you get some “experienced” attention. The only reason I say “experienced” is, well, how do I put this delicately? It’s just that I’m thinking that when it comes to treatment it’ll probably take some real mental health “expertise” to be able to differentiate between your normal yet-to-develop pubescence, and Friday’s infantile shit fit. Gimme an up-date, okay?

So, anyhoo, what I want to talk to you about this time around is that flock of racist, praying-for-the-return-of-coal-powered-everything, let’s-not-over-analyze-ANYTHING, dupes who’re still watching Fox News every night hoping for confirmation that you’ve finally “stood in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot somebody and not lost their vote” and who, by the way, probably aren’t EVER coming back to any real sense of decency or rational political belief because they’ve pretty much always been in it for the bigotry, the sexism, and the xenophobia anyway, and, generally speaking, that’s their bag and you’re their kind of bag man … -child!

But, actually it’s not them I want to get after nearly so much as it is the spineless, self-serving, never-met-a-responsibility-they-couldn’t-dodge-or-relinquish-to-Your-Hineyness, “cowardly Republican ‘Bob Fords’ in the Senate and House of Representatives who’ve shot–and continue to shoot–America in the back!” You know, those sidestepping little shirkers who lack the courage, decency or apparently even the maturity to bear the constitutional burden you’ve so “base-satiatingly” removed from their job description, namely, to MIND THE WHITE HOUSE KINDERGARTEN! What do you think? Is there any chance these guys and gals will EVER put the best interests of the entire COUNTRY ahead of their own paycheck insecurities? Yeah, I get it, it’s a pretty tough call. Especially when you’ve got a childishly incompetent, morally degenerate, racist, power-corrupted, criminally complicit, narcissistic sociopath in the Oval Office “calling the shots” (get it? yuk, yuk)!

Incidentally, do you remember (well, of course you don’t in as much as it’s no doubt all you can do to remember your last cabinet appointment) all that fucking hypocrisy you vomited forth about how Obama could certainly be impeached for all those “unconstitutional” executive actions he was taking vis-à-vis immigration policy. Okay, that’s about it for now. Stay Fox News savvy and well read. Tell Ann, Sean, Lou, Laura and Rush I said, “Hi”!

P.S. If you get a chance, maybe you could give a thought to the more than half a MILLION Americans–many of them with young children–who’ll go to sleep homeless tonight in that Make America Great Again figment of that elitist, xenophobic, monocratic imagination of yours in which you can’t bring yourself to even WHISPER so much as a single fucking word, compassionate or otherwise, about their plight. Maybe you’d consider including them among your charitable foundation’s bequests? Oh, that’s right, the New York Attorney General is forcing you to shut it down because of corrupt uses and practices. I probably should have hit you up sooner. My bad.

P.S.S. Is upstairs at the White House warm and cozy? Nighty Night! Tuck Barron in tight!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up later stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Beloved uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.