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SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Sweet Home Alabama

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BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Jesus, God, whoda thunk it?! Whoda ever thunk that that imbecilic Oval Office swamp pig could actually outdo himself?! Yes indeed ladies and gentlemen and “children” of all ages, the pin-brained White House boar hog in residence has actually pulled off the SMUSheretofore believed impossible: he has totally and completely outschmucked himself! Way down yonder in Alabysmal — it’s a state of mindlessness and misogyny just inside the southeastern boundaries of the Great Republican Swamp — resides a pedophile by the name of Roy Moore who’s doing his slithering best to fill a vacant U.S. Senate seat from that godforsaken … well, what the hell, I’m pretty sure you’ve already picked up on the general gist of my description direction here, so I’ll leave the remaining site, smell and creature features to your imagination.

But perhaps the most shocking aspect of this entire reprehensible, repugnant, repulsive, repellent matter (and that’s stating it just about as mildly as humanely possible given all the facts) is the actual obscene tilt of the typical Moore/Trump supporter’s ethical and moral compasses versus their holier than thou espoused “ordinal” compass orientations.┬áIn other words, to hell with all those so-called Godly principles and all those boasted of, bragged about and constantly ballyhooed Christian/Evangelical “family values” when it comes to good ole cotton state Republican politics. Or, as proudly proclaimed in native Alabysmalian, “Hell YES! We’ll take a good old fashioned unprincipled pedophile over one of them damn liberal dems EVERY TIME!”

Anyway, the fact that no fewer than SIX adult women who were teenagers at the time have come forward to state that Roy attempted to molest and/or, in fact, “bed” them when Moore was in his thirties (he was reportedly banned from the local shopping mall) has made absolutely no difference to the nation’s P*ssy Grabber In Chief. The Oval Office’s Official Misogyny Mentor has now publicly announced that Roy is his main man! Why? Because, “Roy says he didn’t do it. Not only that, Roy says he TOTALLY didn’t do it. And, anyway, regardless, we can’t have another liberal dem in Congress!” And to commemorate this aberrant occasion, and by the power vested in me as Head Moronic Degenerate, I hereby announce the establishment of a National Pedophile Day in conjunction with today’s surprise dedication and ground-breaking for Trump Molestation University which will include the altogether unique and permanent provision of reduced or fully-paid tuition for those with pre-existing hebephilia, ephebophilia or pedophilia. Mr. Pence, may I have the scissors and shovel, please! (Okay, I made up those last two sentences.)

Incidentally, Donnie, I know you can’t spell the terms but do you possess even a middle schooler’s understanding of the concepts involved (oops, there I go again, using those big words that only end up wafting through that orange tangle of cobwebs). The terms in question, Mr. President, are H O N E S T Y and I N T E G R I T Y and D E C E N C Y and D I G N I T Y. Yeah, I thought so. The shear ignorance, phoniness and immaturity apparent in this administration are deplorable to say the least. The number of high-level appointees who’ve either quit, been fired or departed under a cloud of noxious gas amount to a shameful legend in tRump’s own time. But the truly obnoxious part is the number of witless and/or complicit lemmings and other assorted TrumPied rodents that continue to be attracted by his piping. They voted him into office and seem willing to throw the entire nation down the Mar-a-Lago sewer rather than admit to their selfishness and stupidity. Never before in history have so “few” been responsible for so much vileness. One thing is for absolute unequivocal certain: on December 12th the entire nation is going to learn how many (if any) DECENT and PRINCIPLED human beings inhabit the state of Alabama. Period.

So, all things considered, say hey, Donnie J., how many Syrian hospitals did your bosom buddy Putin bomb today?! How many plaudits did you send his way?! How many Syrian men, women and children did you help him KILL or MAIM or DISPLACE today?! How many of his denials did you echo today?! How many lies did you yourself tell today?! How many ignorance-laced tweets did you fart forth today?! How many thumbs did you suck and how many tantrums did you throw today?! How many idiotic conspiracy theories did you initiate or confirm today?! How many cheats, incompetents and fellow democracy saboteurs did you appoint or have to find replacements for today?! How many government departments did you gut today?! How many indispensable American diplomats and citizens abroad did you put at risk today?! How many vitally important diplomatic positions did you continue to leave vacant today?! How many patriotic truth-exposing newspersons did you attempt to silence or smear today?! How many Americans did you intentionally try to choke, poison and asphyxiate today?! And, by the way, how many of those “clean” coal industry jobs — you know, the ones that are so much more important than wind jobs and solar jobs and natural gas jobs — did you save or bring back today?! And, finally, how many women did YOU belittle, insult the intelligence of, and/or molest today?! Do America a favor, Swamp Stocker, go schmuck yourself!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

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