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JOHN OLIVER: Bring Me The Head Of Sepp Blatter!

DAILY BEAST: “The problem is all the arrests in the world are going to change nothing if Blatter’s still there, because to truly kill a snake you must cut off its head—or in this case, its asshole,” he continued. “But if America keeps driving this investigation and actually finds something to indict him, I don’t think you would understand how much that would mean to every person on earth. The whole world’s opinion of America would change overnight. Let me put this in terms you might understand: If the Dutch somehow found a reason to extradite and lock up Donald Trump, you would think, ‘Holy shit! The Dutch are awesome! The Dutch are amazing! What a country!’ That is what is on the table for you, America.”

Since FIFA earned $5.7 billion from sponsors like Nike and Budweiser from 2011-2014, the only way for Blatter to be axed if he avoids indictment is for some of these big sponsors to back out and demand a regime change. So Oliver issued a desperate “plea” to the companies:

“I would like to make a plea to them tonight: Please make Sepp Blatter go away. I will do anything. Adidas, I will wear one of your ugly shoes. One of these shoes that make me look like the Greek god of aspiring DJs. McDonalds, I will take a bite out of every item on your Dollar Menu—which tastes like normal food that was cursed by a vindictive wizard. And I will even make the ultimate sacrifice: Budweiser, if you pull your support and help get rid of Blatter, I will put my mouth where my mouth is, and I will personally drink one of your disgusting items. I’m serious. It could be a Bud-Lite. I will even drink a Bud-Lite Lime, despite the fact that all the lime in the world cannot disguise the fact that this tastes like a puddle beneath a Long John Silver’s dumpster. But I will do it. I will drink one maintaining eye contact with the camera and say it’s delicious, because if you get rid of the Swiss demon who has ruined the sport I love, this stuff will taste like fucking Champagne!” MORE

PREVIOUSLY: The Last Time John Oliver Went Ballistic On FIFA’s Bottomless Greed, Staggering Corruption And Unambiguous Evil

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