Phawker

You Report, We Decide

News, Media, Politics, Music, Culture, Gossip, In The 215 And The Great Beyond

SH*T MY UNCLE SAYS: Forget Edward Snowden, The Real Traitors Are In Corporate Boardrooms

 

BY WILLIAM C. HENRY Corporate mogul with a tax law you don’t like? Not to worry. What has been labeled the “holy grail of tax dodges” is at hand — and this one’s guaranteed to tickle the imagination of even the most quintessential corporate welfare queen. Here’s how it works:

1) Pump a hefty portion of that tax money you’re so otherwise reluctant to part with into the tanks of the corporate jet and take off in search of an overseas patsy on whom to lavish some more of it convincing him to sacrifice his corporation to the greater good of a brand new combined entity.

2) Explain to said prospective co-conspirator how you’ll both be sprouting money from all of your limbs once you’ve reincorporated the new combo in an equally complicit third-party country which henceforth will afford the pretense of its “home.”

3) Use every remaining penny to retain the services of a top notch international law firm like Paul Hastings (I’m donating any finder’s fees to the DNC) to advise you on the wrap-up and the ramifications. One can never be too careful when it comes to wool pulling.

Voila! Instant tax relief, fatter profits and a windfall of personal riches! Holy guacamole, can greed and corporate irresponsibility get any better than this?! Oh, did I mention that part of the deal is that you be willing to effectively forsake your American citizenship and ANY SENSE of ethics, morality, character, duty, obligation, fairness, the common good, or PATRIOTISM along the way? Yeah, I pretty much figured that wouldn’t be a problem.

Surely, however, you foresaw that your actions might leave “ordinary” hard working, tax paying, pro-American-way citizens a bit perplexed to say the least. For instance, why would you ever even consider abandoning such a corporate welfare “queendom” in the first place? Geez, literally all levels of American government have been providing WAM to you fellas for ages — a mere pittance of some $100 BILLION federal and $80 BILLION state and local annually to be precise!

Anyway — and I recognize that this will no doubt come as a revelation — you should know that this expatriate business is the very sort of corporate sham that tends to weaken the people’s faith in the utility of said public sacrifices — all of which are pretty much “involuntarily” contributed, I might add — when they see their hard-earned tax monies increasingly middle-fingered by a growing number of what are obviously, shall we say, “less than appreciative” former public dole-dependent and demanding American corporate ingrates!

And, too, there’s the inexplicable aspect of your having all the while experienced outlandish profits, obscene salaries, unjustified bonuses, and suspect stock options, even in instances where your poor performance has lead to an, ahem, “less than stellar bottom line! Suffice to say, when it comes to “moves” like the ones involved here, most Americans are left with little alternative but to assume the worst. Hell — and please don’t take this the wrong way — it seems to smack of nothing more than pure, unadulterated, twenty-four carat, over-the-top, f _ _ _ ing GREED!

You know, that nebulous substance Toba Beta so aptly described as “a little bit more than enough.” Is that possible? Heavens to murgatroyd, you’d think that the very thought of such conduct would be enough to send Christian corporate heads scurrying to the nearest confessional! All things considered, maybe this whole matter is best understood on an up close and personal level such as George Carlin so astutely expounded: “You’re just another American who is willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick being shoved up your asshole every day… The owners of this country know the truth… it’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it!”

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Fed up early stage septuagenarian who has actually been most of there and done most of that. Born and raised in the picturesque Pocono Mountains. Quite well educated. Very lucky to have been born into a well-schooled and somewhat prosperous family. Long divorced. One beautiful, brilliant daughter. Two far above average grandsons. Semi-retired (how does anyone manage to do it completely these days?) and fully-tired of bullshit. Uncle of the Editor-In-Chief.

[Slashdot] [Digg] [Reddit] [del.icio.us] [Facebook] [Technorati] [Google] [StumbleUpon]


Via BuzzFeed