BY DAVE ALLEN Like time, news waits for no man. Keeping up with the funny papers has always been an all-day job, even in the pre-Internets era. These days, however, it’s a two-man job. That’s right, these days you need someone to do your reading for you, or risk falling hopelessly behind and, as a result, increasing your chances of dying lonely and somewhat bitter. That’s why every week PAPERBOY does your alt-weekly reading for you. We pore over those time-consuming cover stories and give you the takeaway, suss out the cover art, warn you off the ink-wasters and steer you towards the gooey center. Why? Because we love you!
ON THE COVER
CP: According to CP, summer isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. So they’ve got an event a day lined up from now (literally today, with the Mr. America 
pageant) til September 6. June is looking particularly bonkers, and even outside of listings for Beer Week (PW’s turf, dontcha know), CP keeps things hopping, even including a shout-out to my hero, Ken Jennings, and the start of his Jeopardy win streak. There are some down days: peep this for July 5.
Get a bunch of friends together and choreograph a dance, a la Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies.” Throw a party and perform it for everyone you know. Wear matching costumes, of course.
Guess there’s nothing else going on that day. I’m still down for expressing myself through the choreographic arts, though; just make sure it’s before August, because the temperatures will be roasting and I’ll be too worn out from all these madcap events CP is throwing my way. In the words of Bill Watterson, the days are just packed. Don’t waste a single one.
PW: Ready, aim, phire? PW spotlights gun ownership and the city’s most unsuspecting concealed-carry practitioners. It’s way more than just gun-nuts and Second-Amendment-thumpers who speak up for self-defense. Jon Campisi initially centers on Dan Pehrson and the intersection of hipster paradise and gritty urban environment in NoLibs.
Pehrson didn’t always pack a pistol. Back in 2004, he was looking for a hobby, and his quest led him to the Philadelphia Archery and Gun Club on Ellsworth Street in South Philly. There, he met friendly and knowledgeable staffers who taught him how to properly shoot. He was hooked. “If everybody is more educated, less people are going to get hurt due to accidents,” he says.
Soon, Pehrson was making regular visits to the gun club, carrying his weapon strictly to and from the range. But without a carry license, gun owners who transport their guns must adhere to a host of laws: keeping ammunition separate from the gun while in the vehicle, no stops between home and the range. Pehrson figured it was just easier to get a carry license. As time went on, carrying a gun became a part of his daily life. He even carries his gun to work, and says it’s not an issue for the Center City company that employs him.
Pehrson says that carrying a gun makes him feel safe, and points to one incident in particular that reinforces his decision. It was late June 2008 about 10 p.m., and Pehrson found himself walking from North Bowl on Second Street in Northern Liberties to his then-girlfriend’s house near Front Street and Girard Avenue. He was followed, he says, and subsequently surrounded by three teens wielding a stun gun—he later found out the boys had been zapping people and robbing them. Pehrson says he drew his firearm, never pointing it at anyone and keeping it angled toward the ground the entire time, and the youths dispersed.
I didn’t know quite how easy it was to get a concealed-carry permit in this state, and I didn’t know how much the police department bristles at people who elect to arm themselves. I’m still on the fence as to how broadly the Second Amendment ought to be interpreted, but I’m happy to see sane, educated views on gun ownership put forth. Those who marched out to buy firearms at the outset of the Obama era clearly have nothing to worry about, though.
INSIDE THE BOOK
CP: Malaise strikes again. Or maybe something less active than ‘strikes.’ Malaise slumps again? Leading the cheer: W-E-S-U-C-K WE SUCK!!!! Playing the defame game. Philly’s wiener scene: You never sausage a place (lame pun courtesy of South of the Border billboards in South Carolina).
PW: Made ya look: Something good where Week’s Worst usually is. November isn’t the only time for Turkey. I’ll start a band with BMac, but only if we write a rock opera based on Lost. Cramping the style of the city’s top party spots.
WINNER: PW is all over the critical stories of the day, especially this anti-promoter bill, which promises to leave us joyless and sexless by summer’s end. I’ll tip my hat to them this week and say, regarding infringement on our collective good times: hey hey, my my, rock and roll will never die.