BY JONATHAN VALANIA A long time ago, in a Clinton campaign far, far away, James Carville famously declared that Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh and Philadelphia and Alabama in between. Aw, yeah: Pennsyltucky. We know thee well. It’s sort of like watching the Dukes Of Hazzard after smoking too much kielbasa. Like sweat socks with a Sunday suit. Like the Deer Hunter costumed by Wal-Mart. It’s the long dark Chicken Dance of the national soul. Lord help us all. Anyway, with the national press are already converging on the Keystone state to get some local color on their laptops, we feel an obligation to Sherpa them up to the mountaintop electoral bellwethers that only a local nature boy would know. Every day, or close to it, from now until April 22nd we will be calling up some unsuspecting Pennsyltuckian picked randomly out of the phone book and ask them point blank: Hillary or Obama? Today we start with John Smith of Lancaster, PA!
PHAWKER: Hello, I am trying to reach John Smith of Lancaster…
JOHN SMITH: I’m John Smith…
PHAWKER: Great, my name is Jonathan Valania and I am calling from the Internet, where it’s always sunny. Can I ask you a couple quick questions about the upcoming presidential election? Are you planning to vote on April 22nd?
JOHN SMITH: I will if I can still reach the lever.
PHAWKER: Do you mind if I ask how old you are, Sir?
JOHN SMITH: I am 94 years old.
PHAWKER: Awesome! Who do you think you will vote for, assuming you can reach the lever?
JOHN SMITH: I don’t know.
PHAWKER: Do you know who the candidates are?
JOHN SMITH: Let’s see, there’s McClean…is that his name?
PHAWKER: It’s actually McCain, no L.
JOHN SMITH: And Hillary…and O….O…Obama?
PHAWKER: You are correct, Sir! So who are you leaning towards?
JOHN SMITH: I don’t know.
PHAWKER: Well, at 94 I wouldn’t wait too much longer.
JOHN SMITH: What? Can you repeat that?
PHAWKER: Oh, nothing. Well, thank you for your time. American democracy eagerly awaits your decision. Godspeed, man.