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MIRACLE CURE: Ted Haggard, Disgraced Evangelical Preacher, Now “Completely Heterosexual,” Thank God

DENVER – One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted tedhaggard.jpgHaggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is “completely heterosexual.”

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday’s edition.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

“If we’re going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly,” he said. “We’re into this thing over 90 days and it hasn’t happened.”

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to “sexual immorality.”

PREVIOUSLY: That Doesn’t Make You Gay Does It?

[Illustration courtesy of The Sinners Guide To The Evangelical Right]

EDITOR’S NOTE: Ordinarily we couldn’t care less if this guy fucked rocks, as long as the rocks were consenting adults. Whatever gets you through the night, man. But this guy runs with a pack of Christo-fascist Elmer Gantrys that used their considerable influence over their mega-church flocks to whip up a lot of misinformed and gullible people into a baseless hysteria about gay people, just so they could turn out the vote for their RNC taskmasters. We have no patience for bullies, least of all those in the pulpit, and even less for a big fat hypocrite bully in the pulpit. It would be un-Jesus-like enough if Ted Haggard wascellphonetits.gif at least sincere in his gay-baiting, but it was all a cynical lie. People, he was FUCKING ANOTHER MAN FOR FOUR YEARS! And now they’ve ‘cured’ him. Like he got a hold of a bag of meth cut with a little too much gay and just wasn’t the same for a while. Thanks to the “ministering” of his brethren he’s back to “completely heterosexual” — well, on behalf of heterosexuals everywhere let me be the first and possibly last to say: Hoo-fucking-ray for our team! Let me spell it out for you: You are gay, Ted, some people just ARE. So what. A minority percentage of every living species is g-a-y — it’s called SCIENCE, look into it! You are not the first holy man to get his piety caught in his zipper and won’t be the last, but take it like a man. Look, it’s not like I’m incapable of forgiveness. I still go to David Lynch movies, after all. But you, sir, remain a liar to yourself and deceiver of others and, increasingly, a sad pawn in a farcical Christian Right cover-up, not to mention the punchline to some sick Culture War joke that just isn’t funny any more. As such, Jesus still has to love you, but I don’t.

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16 Responses to “MIRACLE CURE: Ted Haggard, Disgraced Evangelical Preacher, Now “Completely Heterosexual,” Thank God”

  1. styler1006 Says:

    too bad he’s still an ass!

  2. will Says:

    “One-Hundred Percent Heterosexuals” do not need to publicly state that they are. And by the way, being homosexual or heterosexual are not conditions of illness that require a cure, unlike nurtured hate.

  3. John Says:

    No way……..he is only fooling himself and his family. Maybe his study of psychology will teach him that truth about yourself is the only road to mental health. She a big ole queen………time will tell.

  4. Jonni Says:

    OBVIOUSLY the man is giving up only the information he is busted with and not a drop more. He is doing everything he can to preserve his family and life. Will it work? Probably not. Most aren’t buying that, as even the polls show. These are all the signs of classic denial. I am a Christian but have seen the way too many Christians bury their heads in “church life” and don’t have a grip on reality. Don’t get me wrong, church life can be good but can miss the point. They think the lost are just people not like them. It’s become political and you can see the influence of that here. True Christianity is not political even though it can affect politics when it makes its stands for what is right. For me, homosexuality is not right. It is a sin and a choice. What you feed, you become. Some have had it imposed on them when they could not defend themselves, as in abuse, and that becomes a problem. Sometimes admiration can deceive you. I strongly believe with sincerety in your faith that one can be delivered of it. But do I think this story is true? Sorry, can’t buy it. It needs to stand the test of time.

  5. Eric J Says:

    Interesting how one of four preachers can say Haggard is completely heterosexual because his homosexual behavior only happened while acting out. Acting out on drugs. People basned Mel Gibson for being anti semetic while on alcohol. Mel had to be punished to some extent and is Haggard any different for his actions while on drugs than Mel was while on alcohol? drugs and alcohol remove our inhibitions and make us either more mellow and shy or more out there. Even if I don’t believe Mel hates Jews or Haggard is homosexual, they and all of us have to admit our character defects 100% of the time. Haggard needs to admit he has a stonger homosexual side to his personality than others and needs to be accountable to someone if he is to refrain from acting on his homosexual or drug temptations. These things don’t make him a bad man. Just a man with a couple more problematic areas in his life than other people. He is to be forgiven and accepted just as Christ would do. Jesus would say let he who is without sin cast the first stone and would say to Ted, your sins are forgiven, Go, and sin no more

  6. byrdy Says:

    Typical evangelical….do as I say, not as I do. If he stood on his head and spit tacks I wouldn’t beleive him……or any of those Jesus freaks…

  7. john Says:

    Cured? Cured from what? This only breeds intolerance to difference. There is nothing wrong with being homosexual, or heterosexual. There is everything wrong with the act of adultry and the immorality of seeking a sexual relationship with either a male or female outside of marriage while preaching against it and then trying to hide it! Cured? NO! Confused? YES. Convoluted? IN MORE WAYS THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE!

  8. Thisbe Says:

    I don’t mind that he is hetero again, but does he have to make it public?

    Holy crap these evangelicals are goofy.

  9. Jim49 Says:

    The three weeks of counseling and declaration by this group of ministers underlines the hypocrisy of the church and their attempts to marginalize/criminalize the creations of God. If God created all things – as we are told – and homosexuals exist – and they do – then they were created by God – and either they are “good” – as all things created by God are – or he seriously messed up! I’ve heard so many times that homosexuals “choose” that “lifestyle” – and lest we get in to another discussion of what “is” is – there is certainly the consideration that “choosing” and “acknowledging” have seriously different moral connotations. Unfortunately – the same argument cannot be made for those who “choose” to embrace a set of religious doctrines whose very purpose was to insure the longevity of the jewish bloodline – and to use that choice to minimalize/criminalize a segment of our society that has been evident throughout history I find completely immoral. The older I get – the more obvious it becomes that religion is a tool that has been usurped by those whose purpose is political rather than spiritual – and requires the support of masses of people who are willing to abdicate their responsibility for “thought” in exchange for the euphoria of mindlessly following the leadership of charismatic charlatans. And as far as the bracelets go – well I don’t think He’d do that! (And if he would – I wouldn’t choose to believe in Him! And that is a choice!)

  10. larry Says:

    religion can’t have him around he is too much of a proof of their hipocrisy. think about it, if “god” makes humans homo then by religious reasoning [?] he made a mistake, but he [she] can’t make mistakes, oh oh, that slippery slope approaches, all religions are human endeavors for control and money, All of them. nice social group of people to invested in this centuries old con to admit the reality. it takes a massive slap in the face to understand the evil of religion. i’ve been slapped. i feel for the homos who if it wasn’t for religion wouldn’t have a problem. enlightenment is spreading slowly and in a few centuries [if there are any humans left alive] humans will look back on this control effort and wonder…… did they fall for such a con? until then homos will be persecuted because we humans let the religious have immunity from reality. their hell of ok for me as long as they’re in their heaven……..a real hell would be eternity with the religious.

  11. THE TRUTH,,,GOD LOVES,, Says:

    God is love, he put that LOVE within our hearts before the foundations of the earth, we mujst surrender to it, to fall in LOVE with anther man is not a sin… Mr Haggard has yet to come to terms of being GAY, he has acted out in darkess, and has lied to his family, church, the world and MOST important himself and GOD. We have not heard the last of this,,, HE IS GAY. He must first overcome those using GOD WORDS contrary to who GOD is,,,LOVE……wake up world surrender to it,,then you will see

  12. marko Says:

    Did Rev. Ted go in for the two for one cure(Meth useage) or is there a second miracle in the offing?Nothing says I’m a raving right winged Christian lunitic like crystal meth and gay boys!!!

  13. Downtown Says:

    No doubt this man will still go to heaven because he has told God he is a heterosexual. I think this is the same man who told God and all his followers he never had sex with that male prostitute. I think this is the same man who told God and all his followeres he did not do meth. I think this is the same man who told God and all his followeres he threw the meth away. Who is God and all his followers to believe?

  14. Memememe Says:

    I love this sentence —

    “He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together.”

    He founded the church in his basement after he paid Jones for sex and used meth…

  15. mary Says:

    Haggard is not a Christian. He judges others, Jesus did not. He condems others. Jesus did not. He would probably stone Jesus for something he thought wasn’t right. He is a follower of George Bush not Jesus. Like Bush says no birth control, you must abstain so I’m sure he and Barbara were virgins as are those twins.

  16. mary Says:

    Haggard quit judging others when you are not doing the same thing but worse.

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