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Introducing: Gaybo, Our New Queer Affairs Column

Editor’s Note: Are you gay and read Phawker? Or just thinking about it? Becoming gay that is. Because, you know, you ‘heard good things.’ Are you straight but curious how the other team plays? Congressman, we have heard your call and answered your prayers. Our Gaydar Editor Tommy Zane is gay all day and queer for a year, and like all gays he is wickedly funny, stylish, tidy and knows from window treatments. He may be going to hell, but most of our straight friends are, too. So, without further ado, we give you the first installment of GAYBO. We’ll have a gay old time!

Over to you Tommy Boy…

gaybo.JPGSo, I was recently at a straight couple’s
marriage celebration, just a modest little
party in South Philly. They’re an awesome pair;
great together and very inclusive. Being the token gay
at the event, the topic eventually turned
to “the gay lifestyle” and my involvement.
You know, a simple conversation like which designer d-r-u-g-s
I do and how I can stay up all night having sex.
Now, I definitely know how to have fun, and I’m
hardly a saint, but the assumption that I fuck
on tina all night is a bit much. There was that article
on the front page of one of the weeklies recently
about the ex-crystal meth freak who used to get
high and get so horny he “wanted to fuck a lamp”,
but really, where’s all the press about the hard-working
Philly gay communities and the good stuff we’re doing?
Maybe if those people had a voice in the local weeklies,
there may be more exposure to regular peeps in the
gay communities. But, I guess that may be asking too
much. By all means, carry on with the blanket Foley coverage.
When all else fails you can always blame the fags, right?
By the way, welcome to my new column. Here’s a voice
for gay folks like myself to get past all the clamor & glamour
that’s most often associated with our communities and
get down to the nitty gritty. It would be
nice if some straight people read this and gained a new
perspective on the struggles we go thru, but it
would be even better if some baby dyke or 18 year-old
queer boy just out of the closet got a clue early-on
that being queer is more than parties, drinking
and designer drugs. Of course, all that is fun…
in moderation, but-wow! how hot if some queen
figured out how being denied our inalienable rights
to, say, marriage is even more important than
three dollar martinis at Bump’s Happy Hour
(go on Friday for the best crowd). I’ve
seen so many decrepit looking former twinks
looking all haggard and miserable by thirty…
Speaking of haggard old queens, does anyone read
the PGN anymore?
Still excellent coverage on
National G/L/T/B issues, but can’t we get someone
to cover local arts/music/theatre? Are there
any gay folks making any art in Philly, cause by
the looks of PGN, the answer is a resounding ‘no’.
Yeah, I love Dan Savage, but is that really covering
the local Philly queer scene? Maybe it’s just another signal
that print media is dead. I know all the most
relevant queer art & music has already been
accomplished by The Baby Boomers in the 60’s and 70’s
(psyche-lies), but surely there is someone who can bring
the PGN into the 21st century. Hmmm, imagine that.

Hipster queens, listen up-JUST BECAUSE THERE
ARE GAY PEOPLE ON TV NOW DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE
GETTING YOUR RIGHTS. Duh. If I hear one
more silly-ass fag tell me that they don’t
have to vote against Santorum because there’s
a gay character on “The Sopranos”, I’m gonna barf.

Oh, and that “Sopranos” guy gets whacked in the 2006
season. Another dead fag. How common, but I digress.
Anyway, what I’m saying is, yeah, I love
wearing ties and white belts too but that doesn’t
mean your work is done. Make sure you vote on
Nov. 7th and if you’re voting for Santorum,
don’t stand near me at Woody’s. You may end
up wearing my drink.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tommy Zane moved to Philly to pursue a degree
in Cultural Anthropology but ended up falling
for a big hunky Latin dude and moving in together
in The Gayborhood. Sometimes, you can even hear their
heated arguments over the music at Pure. Downtime
favorites include Stratego, Charlie Rose, and episodes
of “That Girl” on DVD.

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2 Responses to “Introducing: Gaybo, Our New Queer Affairs Column”

  1. Phawker » Blog Archive » GAYBO: First We Take Santorum; Joan Collins At The Forrest; Woody’s For Sale? Says:

    […] TOMMY ZANE REPORTS: It’s Election Eve 2006 and I’m just up to my ears in excitement! Now, remember to stick to the plan: First we take Santorum, then the rest of The GOP in 2008. The Hillary/Obama ticket is gonna rock those Republican bitches into the next decade! You may ask, is the world ready for a dyke and a black man? HELLS YES! If the last eight years has proven anything it is this: You simply cannot drop the soap in front of a Republican. It’s too risky. Republicans are just too unstable, too many are just barely holding their gay in check. There was this gal I work with we’ll call Ruffhouse who was angry that Phawker would picture a Senator with the words I EAT COCK. I think he’s fair game for this kind of thing. His obsession with homosexuals borders on the pathological and my gaydar says possible repressed gay tendencies that he’s buried in Catholicism and hidden with prolific procreation. We all know that it is entirely possible for a possibly-gay man to sire that big a brood if he puts his closeted-mind to it. I plan on celebrating the end of the “dog-on-man sex era” with a nice martini, maybe at Bump. Come on around and introduce yourself. Bring your drapery swatches for The Congressional overhaul. It’ll be as much fun as Cyndi Lauper in the 80’s! […]

  2. Phawker » Blog Archive » GAYBO: SUREFIRE BOY MAGNET;CAN ANYONE STOP “PHANTOM”; AND A QUEEN ON “THE QUEEN” Says:

    […] TOMMY ZANE REPORTS: Ever get that feeling that you just can’t score? Do you go weeks, months, or (Goddess forbid) years without sex? I know it may seem hard to believe, but us gay folks can have a dry spell too, even the pretty ones. I have an answer for all you queer love losers out there — bring on the straight girls! That’s right — there’s nothing like some sexy, trendy and confident straight women to make your bod all the more attractive. Just this weekend, I was up in Chelsea on business and my dear friend Maria was in from Rome. We met up with Katia and Jill, then headed off to Barracuda for some frolic. All the usual hot young things were milling about, swigging Coronas and lowering their Diesel jeans just enough to give us a peek at that ever-elusive ass crack. Normally, the A-Listers would have all the attention and I’d have to settle for B-List booty, or worst, for some casual flirtation. But tonight, I was armed with Katia on the left, Jill on the right, and Maria straight up the middle. And like magic, I also I had all the twinks checking me out! […]


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