Phawker

You Report, We Decide

News, Media, Politics, Music, Culture, Gossip, In The 215 And The Great Beyond

Letter From The Editor: Hello Darkness My Old Friend

welles.thumbnail.gifWelcome to Phawker! Please, make yourself at home. Take your shoes off, sit a spell. Beer’s in the fridge. Just leave the seat up, or down. We really don’t care. At Phawker, YOU are The Decider. But please be gentle, we are still fresh and pink from the womb, naked and shaking like a Polaroid picture just coming into focus. So by all means, come back again tomorrow. We only get better with age.

Why Phawker you ask? Because, like any band worth a damn, nobody was singing the song we wanted to hear so we made up our own. You see, we don’t just want to out-cool the alt-weeklies, we also want to be as dogged as the Daily News (hang in there guys, you’re gonna make it after all), as reliable as the Inquirer, as never-ending as KYW and as fast as stoopid TV news, faster even. But without the suck: the pandering, the timidity and the laziness, not to mention the tongue-tied ‘objectivity’ that’s left a citizenry virtually defenseless against the tyranny of evil men, or at the very least bombarded with breathless winter storm hysteria and carpet-bombing coverage of American Idol. Shame on us all.

(Full Disclosure: some of us still cash checks from the MSM. Which reminds me, I have to go to the bank.)

We will make it our business to carry out H. L. Mencken’s directive to afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted. You see, we’re just idealistic enough to believe the media doesn’t have to suck. It just worked out that way. But that can be changed, one computer at at time. Fact is it has to be, because the job of the Fourth Estate is just too damn important to leave to the generals, and all the foot soldiers that are too scared, lazy or compromised to stand up and say THE SKY IS FALLING. Because you know what? It motherfucking is.

We are scared: not of terrorists, or Republicans or even Vince Fumo. No, we fear for what’s to become of this country. That we are damaging ourselves more profoundly than any enemy from without could ever imagine in their darkest dreams. Seriously. So we’ll say it long and loud and we won’t shut-up until everybody knows that the dice were loaded, and everybody knows the good guys lost.

And we will do everything in our power to be a beacon of clarity in the data fog, and in our own little way maybe help straighten shit out, because pardon our French but shit is fucked up. Way fucked up.

Ordinarily, we wouldn’t make such a fuss. Frankly, we’re happiest sitting down, like we did in the 90s. I mean, do you know how long it takes us to get up on our high horse these days? Hours! And then we need help getting down. It’s embarrassing. But things have just gone way too far. Now is the time for all good men and women to stand up and say ‘Yeah.’ We the people of Phawker are Philadelphians, of course, but first and foremost we are concerned Americans. Very concerned. Let the record show that at 2:33 AM October 16th, 2006, we became legible. And the fight was joined.

Peace Be Upon You,

—The Editor

PS FYI, despite what I just said, shit’s not gonna be all heavy-handed and boring ’round here. There will be plenty of sunshine and lollipops, too. It’s just, you know, when you start one of these things people expect you to say high-and-mighty shit like that. At the very least, it gives the haters a reason to keep hatin’ on, god bless ‘em. We don’t take it personally, they’re just doing their job. Just to be clear: we’re gonna have a real good time together. You WILL laugh at least once a day, probably more. We got all kinds of moon pies and penny whistles: We got tunes (check out Phawker Radio UPPER LEFT, LUPE FIASCO IN THE HOUSE! WHY? BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU! HINT: Start With “Daydream,” just click the left or right buttons to switch tracks, and listen like thieves), we got funny movies, cool rock pix, and badass comics. We got the skinny on scarf-rock, Smerconish, sports, pork, sex, and style in the 215. We got advice — the good, the bad and the fugly. We got hot gossip (whistle-blowers and ankle-biters holla at feed@phawker.com, anonymity guaranteed), substantiated rumor and enough innuendo to get you laid. All of which will be processed into actual news or revealed as the lies they always were. All except the part about you getting laid, that’s on you. So let that be our promise to you, dear reader, to not only tell you the things you want to know, but to tell you all the things you need to know, but are too bored to ask. That’s not really your fault. It’s ours. And we aim to fix it.

[Slashdot] [Digg] [Reddit] [del.icio.us] [Facebook] [Technorati] [Google] [StumbleUpon]

6 Responses to “Letter From The Editor: Hello Darkness My Old Friend”

  1. Phawker » Blog Archive » Peeple: Forget Dave Chappelle, It’s Now Official, Sarah Silverman Funniest Negro In The Known Universe Says:

    […] This is something else we’re gonna do: buck the calendar journalism school of arts coverage. And buck it hard. We don’t work for the publicists, so why should we follow their calendars? Who fuckin’ died and made them Elvis? People watch way more movies on DVD than they do in the theaters these days, but it takes time for a consensus to emerge. Which is fine, too, because it’s an honest, organic one, not a hype-driven mirage that melts away after opening weekend. We know this first hand. You see, in addition to doing this re-invent the media wheel/save the republic thing with Phawker, we are also in show business. Seriously, check it out. So anyway, when the Wilco movie was released in theaters, we went to the Ritz and we were genuinely distressed to see our head six feet wide. We we like, ‘Man does it always look that big?’ I only mention all of this point out two things: that show biz ain’t all Lindsay Lohan beaver shots and some kind of fabulous party or another at Sean Combs‘ house. There is also a good side. Second, almost nobody said anything to me when the Wilco movie came and went from theaters. Not even my mom. If it is possible to be secretly in show business, I was. But once I Am Trying To Break Your Heart came out on DVD, strangers would stop me on the street, swear to god. All of which is a long-ass way of saying THERE IS NO ‘WRONG’ TIME TO PRAISE SARAH SILVERMAN. Today is fine, and so is tomorrow because she is doing something that is well and truly profound. And so, to respond to reader who pointed out that Amy Sedaris is not the only funny-and-hot game in town. She was right and we were wrong. There we said it. But if Jesus Is Magic is so wrong – and it is, but in a good way — we never want to be right again. […]

  2. Phawker » Blog Archive » EDITORIAL: Reason #32 Why Being TIME’S PERSON OF THE YEAR Makes You A Hero To Most But It Doesn’t Mean Shit To Me Says:

    […] Letter From The Editor […]

  3. Phawker » Blog Archive » INTERVIEW: How Devil Girl Became Mrs. Natural Says:

    […] Letter From The Editor […]

  4. Phawker » Blog Archive » TEACHER’S PET: Today I Saw The Future Says:

    […] else wanted to know. No, I said, It’s like looking at naked pictures of your ex-girlfriend. ‘What are you trying to accomplish with Phawker?’ asked another. The end of media as we currently know it, I said. Fortunately, that seems to be […]

  5. Phawker » Blog Archive » HOORAY FOR CLARITY: Time Shitcans William “The Bloody” Kristol & Charles “The Hammer” Krauthammer Says:

    […] BY THE EDITOR: In the 90s, William Kristol was one of those Scaife-funded right-wing ankle-biters, part of the same pathological Clinton Hater cabal that helped Gingrich kill health care reform dead. Nice guys. They got what they had coming when the got their subpoenas caught in the rusty fly of impeachment. Since 9/11 Kristol’s morphed from Fox New’s avuncular pro-war Guy Smiley to shrugging quagmire apologist to one of those guys insisting the way to lower the body count is to send in more bodies and somehow remains gainfully employed as a right-wing talking head. Here he is back in March of 2003, on the eve of the invasion of Iraq, all cackles and barely-contained I-told-you-so righteousness, crowing that the dogs of war were about to be unleashed and Moment of Truth was, at long last, finally here. He didn’t know how right he was. Kristol had a Viagra woody for invading Iraq for almost as long as Cheney — which is to say hard as nails for three or four hours at a time. And oh! How manly they felt when they played Hunting With Dick, strapping on the Magnificent Horned Codpiece of War and ran around the secure undisclosed location in just their boxers and their wingtips. You can almost hear the heavy breathing and sweaty elation in his syntax, and then there’s the way he betrays more Night Before Christmas kid’s happy-happy-joy-joy than any moral man has a right to on the eve of a pointless slaughter he’s helped orchestrate: We are tempted to comment, in these last days before the war, on the U.N., and the French, and the Democrats. But the war itself will clarify who was right and who was wrong about weapons of mass destruction. It will reveal the aspirations of the people of Iraq, and expose the truth about Saddam’s regime. It will produce whatever effects it will produce on neighboring countries and on the broader war on terror. We would note now that even the threat of war against Saddam seems to be encouraging stirrings toward political reform in Iran and Saudi Arabia, and a measure of cooperation in the war against al Qaeda from other governments in the region. It turns out it really is better to be respected and feared than to be thought to share, with exquisite sensitivity, other people’s pain. History and reality are about to weigh in, and we are inclined simply to let them render their verdicts. […]

  6. Phawker » Blog Archive » REWIND: 2007 THE YEAR IN PHAWKER 2007 Says:

    […] BY JONATHAN VALANIA How do we love Marty? Let us count the ways: The way she picks Philadelphia’s brain every day for two hours, leading listeners through two completely different, but somehow relevant, topics of interest — with confidence, class and MILF-y aplomb. The way she never loses her cool or raises her voice or engages in ad hominem attacks, and expects her guests and callers to do the same; how she enforces that covenant with the gentle firmness of a Cub Scout den mother. MORE […]


Via BuzzFeed