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PBR: Does Dr. J Got The Benjamins To Buy The Sixers? And Why Stephen A. Smith Makes Us Want To Saw Our Cocks Off

stevensmith.gifThe Daily NewsPhil Jasner has some Deep Throat dish on Dr. J putting together a consortium to buy the Sixers from Comcast-Spectacor. I haven’t been this stoked about a celebrity assembling a group to purchase a local team since former Gong Show host and C.I.A. operative Chuck Barris (with silent partners Jamie Farr, Jaye P. Morgan and the Unknown Comic) tried to purchase the Phillies from the Carpenter family in the ’80s.Hey, we’re basically riding out the A.I. era at this point and stockpiling midlevel draft picks. This definitely qualifies as big news for the Sixers…Stephen A. Smith. What is it about this smug blowhard that makes me want to saw my cock off? The screaming? The shoulder-padded suits? That he uses the race card like he’s using a credit card? (Someone should tell him you don’t accumulate airline miles each time you use your race card.) Yes. All that and more. His Inquirer columns have the depth, wisdom and accuracy of an out-of-towner contractually obligated to churn out 17 column inches on a particular subject at given intervals. His finger isn’t on the pulse of a given subject; it’s up his ass. Screamin’ A. has every right to vent about the Phillies continuing phutility to deliver the wood down the stretch. Especially since a seriously flawed team that barely made it to the playoffs (the Cardinals) will face another that came out of nowhere – largely in part to their manager Jim Leyland (the crusty baseball lifer who offered his services to the Phillies in ’04) in the World Series. Exhibit A: Today’s column. Screamin’ A. needs to get his facts straight, though. Comparing the Phils to the Mets, he wonders how Mets generaldrj.JPG manager, Omar Minaya “managed to find (pitchers) John Maine and Oliver Perez after his aces, Pedro Martinez and Duaner Sanchez, caught the injury bug.” First of all, Maine was already on the team (having been acquired in an off-season trade) and already in the rotation when said pitchers were hurt. As for Perez, acquired from Pittsburgh in a trade? Last night’s performance notwithstanding, I wouldn’t call a pitcher with a 6-something ERA a find. And Duaner Sanchez wasn’t an ace: HE WAS A RELIEVER!! Wouldn’t it be cool if the Inky ran Screamin’ A.’s stories with all caps and exclamation points? Then he beats down Phillies G.M. Pat Gillick for splitting time between Philly and his home in Toronto, a dead horse the Daily NewsBill Conlin seems to beat every other week. Let’s see, a guy who spends most of his time in New York writing for a Philly paper, hatin’ on another guy who works in Philly but spends the odd week at home in Toronto. Sounds to me like a case of the pot calling the kettle… I’m not going there.

pbr-art.thumbnail.jpgABOUT THE AUTHOR: PBR is our regular sports column, wherein our man in the Jersey ‘Burbs calls Philly sports and sports-media as he sees ‘em. His name is Patrick Berkery and he plays drums for the Pernice Brothers and, get this, he actually gives a shit about sports. Weird, huh? Born & raised on a steady diet of Birds, Phils, Flyers and boiled potatoes. Phillies season ticket holder since 1978. Longs for the days of Jim Barniak & Spectrum Wrestling on Prism. Thinks all sportwriters dress funny and should stay off TV. Except Phil Sheridan. His feelings on the Philadelphia Eagles are not unlike his stance on Belle & Sebastian and the Grateful Dead: Loves the music, hates most of the fans. Frankly, we could care less. We used to be big-time jocks, but then we discovered girls and pot and rock n’ roll, and suddenly the idea of strapping on forty pounds of gladiator gear in August and rolling around in the grass with other sweaty men and then giving them a smack on the ass afterwards just seemed a little, well, gay. But we realize this is a minority opinion. Hence this column.

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