Phawker

You Report, We Decide

News, Media, Politics, Music, Culture, Gossip, In The 215 And The Great Beyond

Ask Mother Phawker: Man Bites Dog In Roxborough

We are not your mother. Your mother is at home, watching “Deal or No Deal.” Sure, you could call and ask her, but that will just turn into a whole ‘thing’ — what with the shouting and the running and the exploding and the crying. Besides, your mom needs a break. Why do you think they sent you to college in the first place? And really, haven’t you asked her enough stupid questions over the years? Instead, direct all I-need-a-hug, it-hurts-when-I-pee and other how-to-deal inquiries to Mother@phawker.com. She loves you no matter what.
motherphawker-copy.jpgDear Mother Phawker,
Iím having a problem with my living situation and hope you can help. Hereís the deal: I rent space in a friendís house, which we also share with her two dogs and another roommate. Recently, my friend/landlord spent a month in Europe, leaving her dogs supposedly in the care of her sister, who dropped by once a day. Needless to say, the other roommate and I ended up taking care of the two dogs, cleaning up their messes, etc.

Not that I minded taking care of her pooches Ė in fact, a few weeks ago my on-again, off-again boyfriend and I visited the SPCA, fell in love with an adorable dog, and brought him home, intending to share custody of the dog. Unfortunately, a week later my man went off the wagon (again), and our relationship saw a messy end (again) after he was caught rummaging around in my room while I was at work!

Now, my friend/landlord is back from Europe and told me my dog isnít welcome, after I spent a month caring for her mangy animals! She claims my sweet dog (a adult Basset hound) is too aggressive toward her dogs, which are both pit bull mixes. How ridiculous is that? And why are her pain-in-the-ass mongrels somehow better than mine?

As if losing my boyfriend isnít bad enough, now my friend wants to kick me out! I feel betrayed and refuse to give up my dog just to please someone else. Besides, being newly single, my pooch makes me feel secure and is, like, a total man magnet. What should I do?

Signed,
Bona Fido, Roxborough

Ma straightens shit out after the jump…

Dear Pound Puppy:

Sorry, Motherís ears arenít what they used to be Ė did you say ďfriend/landlordĒ? Oh poopie, I donít mean to laugh, but thereís no such thing!

Come sit next to me on the davenport *pats cushion,* because Motherís going to share with you an Important Life Truth. Comfy? Good. Here it is: Dog shit only stinks when it comes from the ass of someone elseís dog, you dig? I donít care if you two have been BFFs since First Holy Communion. The minute you started handing her rent money every month, you became her bitch. As it were.

By which I mean, you may love your pup, but your landlord doesnít have to. Get rid of the dog, or find a new place to live. In fact, scratch that Ė keep the dog and find a new place to live anyway. Because even if you find Rex a new home, your relationship with your ďfriend/landlordĒ will never be the same. The dog will be your friend no matter what.

Also, Mother will resist the urge to expound on the irony of you and your lightbulb boyfriend deciding to adopt, of all things, a hound dog.
Love,
Ma

[Slashdot] [Digg] [Reddit] [del.icio.us] [Facebook] [Technorati] [Google] [StumbleUpon]

One Response to “Ask Mother Phawker: Man Bites Dog In Roxborough”

  1. Phawker » Blog Archive » PSA: We Are Not Your Mother, Your Mother Is At Home Says:

    […] Your mother is at home, watching “Deal or No Deal.” Sure, you could call and ask her, but that will just turn into a whole ‘thing’ , what with the shouting and the running and the exploding and the crying. Instead, ASK MOTHER PHAWKER Because, your mom needs a break. Why do you think they sent you to college in the first place? And really, haven’t you asked her enough stupid questions over the years? TUESDAYS & THURSDAYS . Instead, direct all I-need-a-hug , it-hurts-when-I-pee and other how-to-deal inquiries to Mother Phawker at Mother@phawker.com. She loves you no matter what. But ONLY ON PHAWKER. […]


Via BuzzFeed