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Almost Famous: The Metro Declares Phawker Celeb Of The Week

This was news to us, but apparently this is a regular feature, wherein some local philebrity cracks wise on The Week That Was, to wit:

Lynn Swann ate his cheesesteak covered in hot peppers at Patís yesterday. That makes him more of a man than John Kerry, who ate his with Swiss cheese, right?metro.jpg

That was a low point for Democrats. Kerry might as well have been wearing a Speedo. But Swannís like O.J. Simpson: Itís not about race, itís about class. Heís a very rich man and thatís why heís a Republican.

Health care coverage costs continue to soar in Pennsylvania. Is the money youíre making from Phawker allowing you to keep up?

Whatís health care coverage? You can still get that?

Thanks for the luv, Metro. It almost makes us feel bad about hating out loud everything The Metro stands once stood for: dumbed-down McNews cobbled together by 50 underpaid and overworked monkeys on 50 typewriters. But they called and said ‘We love Phawker, we’ve been reading it all week.’ And frankly, our vanity got the best of us. Again. Besides, Phawker needs friends and they seem like nice people. So on second thought, maybe they aren’t so evil. Or maybe, just evil like a fox. If, say, the Inky’s marketing people would have seen this coming way back when and made similar tactical corrections — brevity, color, product positioning — they might be commanding the eyeballs of SEPTA strap-hangers, too. But then, hindsight is always 20/20. Of course, marketing people get paid the big bucks for having 20/20 FOREsight. Judging by the past five years, PNI should be asking its marketing people for a refund.

The Metro: Reading Is FUNdamental

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2 Responses to “Almost Famous: The Metro Declares Phawker Celeb Of The Week”

  1. Phawker » Blog Archive » Outrage: Phawker Phucked By Metro Says:

    […] File this under Mountain Range Made Out Of Mole Hill. As previously reported, the Metro named us Celeb of the Week. There was a ticker tape parade. Lotsa confetti. Oversized key to the city. Everybody dancing to “Louie Louie.” The whole nine yards. (Lil’ known fact, the Metro Celeb of the Week gets to smoke WHEREVER he/she fuckin’ feels like it. Like it’s America again, or something. But this only applies for duration of the week of your celebdom, after that it’s back to the curb with the rest of the shivering punters. As per usual, we abused this special privelege, choosing to do all of our smoking for the week in John Street’s office, paybacks bein’ a bitch an all.) The Metro asked us to send in a picture of ourselves to go with our snappy answers to stupid questions. Which we did. We even told our mom, because mom’s seem to understand MSM glory better than online glory. So she’s got all of her friends out there picking up copies. And then we finally got our hands on this much-ballyhooed Major Award and Achievement edition of the Metro, fully expecting to see our ugly mug and what do we see next to our name but some beer-bellied Mummer, rockin’ an Eagles jersey and a white ZZ Top beard and strummin’ a banjo. WTF? Three things about this picture: […]

  2. Phawker » Blog Archive » Hell Hath No Fury: Metro Fires Back Says:

    […] We knew damn well we were opening a whole new can of whup-ass with our Metro ass-clowning. And that’s fine, after all, if you’re gonna dish it out you better be willing to† take it like a man, too. That’s how it works: you take your best shot, and then we take ours. So here it is, the Metro’s stinging rebuke: Jonathan, […]


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